Yankee Tag Blog

Introducing the Barrstache (Libertystache).  I want one.  I will have one.  I will have one. (I kinda just need to talk myself into it first…)

I was browsing Facebook (ok, playing Mob Wars), when I stumbled across the most terrifying photo: a picture of Barack Obama as Jesus. I’m not sure which is more terrifying, the fact that people worship a 2,000-year-old dead Jew, or the fact that Obama is being likened to him.

Here’s the thing about Obama, he’s a nice guy who probably means well, but he’s just not grounded in reality. He has this fanciful idea that the government should solve all of society’s problems, and that at its’ helm, he’ll be the one to see that it gets done. But why is it the government’s job? Here’s a great example:

Recently, Obama announced a solution to global warming and our dependency on oil. (I know, yeay!) Here it is; the government will give a reward of $300,000,000 to whoever can come up with a design for a commercially viable engine that runs on an alternative energy source and has zero emissions.

That’s the plan. Here’s the problem: THAT ALREADY EXISTS. It’s called “the market”. Anyone who invents one of these is going to be making SO much money, they’ll never need to worry about the puny $300mil from the government. Shit, they’ll pay more than that in taxes. The first year.

But that’s the problem, he’s full of “change,” full of new solutions, and yet, none of them really make any sense. But maybe I’m just dumb. Of course, I’m not the one chain-smoking Kools, while reading the Koran.

I’m just surprised his PR firm isn’t circulating this photo more widely…

I was talking with my lady-friend this afternoon about how if I’m ever mentally impaired, I just want to die. Physician assisted suicide would be great, but if it comes down to it, just burn down my house with me in it. Hell, I’m a retard now, it’s not my fault I couldn’t get out. Have a little sympathy. Actually, we all should have a little sympathy. As healthy, fully-functioning adults (for the most part), we can’t possibly imagine the fear and anguish that a life like that would hold. Far be it from me to tell someone else that they can’t die (they can by the way, in case you weren’t sure). All I’d like is the same. So if a doctor will help, great, fortunately I live in the Great State of Oregon where that kind of stuff is legal, but either way, just let me go.

So my lady-friend was telling me about how her parents had told her that if they were ever incapacitated, that they would want to be taken off of life support (now I just need to find a way to incapacitate them…). And we got to talking about how you tell your kids about a decision like that. I thought that it’s appropriate to just be frank: “Don’t worry, at some point everybody dies. It’s completely normal, and you will have a bunch of other people who will take care of you and look after you and love you. It’s not something to be afraid of, if it happens we won’t be in any pain at all.”

We agreed that straightforward honesty is really the best approach. But then we got to talking about people of other faiths. Namely the Christians. And we realized that straightforward “honesty” from them would be pretty fucking terrifying:

On death: “Don’t worry, we’ll only die if God wants us to. Why would he want to kill off both of your parents? Um… well, uh, he works in very mysterious ways. Like a sociopathic murderer from an R rated movie that we wouldn’t let you watch. But it’s ok, because he has a plan and eventually everybody dies and gets to be with him in heaven, which is perfect. Well, almost everyone. Of course the Jews, Atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, homosexuals, Mormons, Catholics, Hindus, Taoists, Sikhs, Shintos, liberals, Zoroastrianists, Pagans, Unitarians, Tom Cruises, and various tribal believers will all burn in the fiery tar-pits of hell for all eternity and will suffer unrelenting anguish because God loves them and wants to really, really, really prove it to them. But don’t worry about us, because assuming that we picked the one true denomination that God actually supports, we’ll be in paradise just waiting for you. And it will be great there. But not so great that we want to die to find out.”

On sex: “This is shameful and bad. Don’t do it. In fact, don’t even want to do it, talk about doing it, watch people doing it, look at pictures of people doing it, or read about people doing it. Until you’re married. Then you can do it. But only with the one person you’re married to, and you can’t ever change your mind or marry anyone else. And you still can’t even want to do it with anyone else, or when you die, [see: On death].”

On homosexuality: “These people are sinners. It’s gross, and dispicable, and they’re going to pay for it eventually. [see: On death] In the meantime, we have to love them, just like Jesus taught us to. The best way that we can love them is to limit their civil rights, ensure that their relationships are not socially recognized, ostracize them, force them to pay more in taxes, and protest whenever they get together to show support for each other. And also, we should amend the constitution to make sure that they know that this is just the way it’s going to be. Just like Jesus would do.”

On the origin of life: “Well, one day, Magic-God decided that he was bored. Ok, well it doesn’t exactly say that in the bible, but then it doesn’t really say anything about why all of a sudden he decided to do it, so this is what we think makes sense. So anyway, Magic-God said “poof” and made the world. In seven days. Yeah, he’s all-powerful and stuff, but seven days is still pretty fast, don’t you think? Yeah, I’m sure he could have done it faster, but he works in mysterious ways. Well, technically it was only six days. On the seventh, God needed to rest. Hey, even perfect beings need to take a break every now and again. You can’t be perfect all the time. It’s not like he’s Martha Stewart. So he made the world and every animal in it. And fossils are fake, and don’t listen to your science teacher. Or read National Geographic. Or encyclopedias. Or any book. It’s a cultural conspiracy, the DEVIL IS TRYING TO TEST YOU!!!

Or maybe, if on the completely off-chance we’re wrong about this, then there’s an alternative called “Intelligent Design”: God intended for evolution to happen. So he didn’t really do it in seven days. He just got it started in seven days. It actually took millions and millions of years make it all happen. Actually it’s still happening. Yeah, that whole Genesis bit was a little misleading. He works in mysterious ways.”

Sometimes, I sure am glad that I won’t have to make up any fantasies when my kids ask me about this shit.

About a month ago, when McDonald’s debuted their new chicken breakfast sandwich, I caved and bought one. I didn’t really want one, and it wasn’t any good, but I’m a sucker for their marketing. I mean, the iconic scenes of young twenty-somethings playing basketball, gorging on fast food on a park bench really move me. See, I had to buy one. I had to. OK, I lied: I had two.

The chicken sandwhiches came with these free movie rental coupons, redeemable at “Red Box”. I’m sure you’ve seen these, they’re these movie-store-in-a-vending-machine things. I assume they’re a fairly recent invention, I started seeing them a year ago or so. I guess it’s true what they say: “Necessity is the mother of invention.”

Anyway, I went to redeem them the other day (I watched “The Bucket List”, thanks for asking) and I found out about a fun little trick. Here’s what you do:

Step 1: Select your movie, and press the checkout button.

Step 2: Swipe your credit card.

Step 3: It will ask you for your e-mail address.

Step 4: Swipe your credit card again.

Step 5: Enjoy.

The text box where you’re supposed to enter your e-mail address will reveal all of the information contained in your credit card’s magnetic strip.



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Now that Ron Paul has stepped down to focus on his freedom campaign, I’m switching my presidential candidate of choice to Bob Barr of the Libertarian Party. While I’m disappointed (although not really surprised) that Ron Paul didn’t capture more of America’s support, I am happy to be back in the Libertarian party after my brief six-month hiatus to vote for Paul in the Republican primaries.

Frankly, even though Paul ran as a Republican, I felt kind of dirty registering for the GOP. Mostly because the party is a despicable group clamoring for the titles of “Chief Gay Basher” and “Jesus’ Best Pal” and “Dr. James Dobson’s Bitch”. The libertarian party’s “anything goes” attitude, is much more in line with my belief that people should govern themselves and live their lives according to their own beliefs (so long, of course, as their beliefs don’t infringe on others’ rights).

Anyway, if you’re even slightly open-minded, I encourage you to take 4 minutes and read Bob Barr’s stance on the predominate issues our country will be facing over these next four years. I think you’ll be surprised at how much sense he makes.

So, last night, I was sitting around. I was bored (translation: bored = inebriated). And I was doing something dangerous. I was bidding on online auctions. Gun auctions to be specific. I found an AK-47 style gun that had no reserve, and it was only $295. So I bid (bidded? it seems like there should be a different word for the past-tense) on it. Seems like a screaming deal. Then I found another. And another. And another. And today I accidentally won. So far, the other auctions haven’t ended, but I’m soon to be the new owner of this bad boy:

Yeah, I know. It’s pretty sweet. If I’m not lucky, I’m about to own four of these. I really hope I’m lucky. I don’t really want to buy five guns this month. Oh, yeah, it would be five. I already bought this one:

My girlfriend says that if I “accidentally” buy any more guns, she might “accidentally” move out.

I’ve not been posting, because I’ve not been interesting.  And because I’ve not been not posting on facebook.  And I’ve been not not playing WoW.  But today I’m not posting on facebook or playing WoW and I’m still not interesting.  I’m at the airport.  And I’m eavesdropping on this guy sitting next to me, because he is interesting.  And gay.  Very, very gay.  He has the highest pitched voice I’ve ever heard coming out of an adult male.  And the way his legs are crossed made me do a double-take.  I guess if my legs were crossed like that, I’d have a high pitched voice too.

He seems nice enough, but he’s talking on his cell phone.  I kind of hate him for that.  Especially because it forces me to listen to him talk about things like shoes, some guy named “Bill”, his energy level, his schedule, and his feelings.  Which is fine, except I feel a little left out; I’d like to know who Bill is, and maybe he should ask me how I’m feeling.  Would that be so hard?

The good news is that I’m on my way home now.   And when I get there, I’m buying an AR-15.  I was going to special order one, but the guy fucked up my order, so I’m getting a different one now.  Now I need to find a machinist who will make an auto-seer.  Not that I would buy one, because that’s illegal.  But if you know anyone, let me know: fucktheATF@yankeetag.com

I was in Seattle over the weekend. What’s the occasion, you ask? Well, it was my birthday last week and my friend Morgan and her boyfriend did fly up, but the occasion was: Rover’s. See below:

GRAND MENU DEGUSTATION -130
WINE PAIRING –75
Amuse-Bouche -5
Kumamoto Oysters with Champagne Sabayon and White Sturgeon Caviar -20
Alaskan Spot Prawns with English Pea, Red Onion and Candied Fennel Salad -18
Diver’s Sea Scallop with Fava Bean Puree, Duck Prosciutto and Foie Gras Nage -18
Game Confit with Baby Spinach, Fig Reduction and Roasted Garlic Jus -17
Hudson Valley Foie Gras with King Boletus and Almond Gastrique -22
Troll King Salmon with Baby Bok Choy, Smoked Bacon and Chive Blossom Butter -19
Pink Grapefruit and Vermouth Sorbet -3
Lamb Loin Medallions with Cascade Morels, Golden Beets and Peppercorn Demi -23
Symphony of Desserts -12
Mignardises -5

Best food I’ve ever had, hands down.

Some people set goals every New Year’s Day.  I usually take stock of where I am and where I want to be each year on June 1st.  On my birthday.  Here’s how I fared this year.

• Make $100,000 (Fail - Maybe next year)
• Make $1,000,000 (Fail - Not even close)
• Buy a home (Check - Just a condo, but beats renting I suppose)
• Work from home (Check - although I spend a lot of time traveling to work in Sacramento)
• Move back to Oregon (Check - Part of this year I’ll be living in Sacramento again)
• Take over the world  (Fail - Even Hitler failed)
• Secede from the Union (Fail - Getting closer, just wait for the collapse of the dollar)
• Start a business (Check - an LLC)
• Buy a gun (Check - and check, and check)
• Get a Concealed Handgun Permit (Check - but I rarely use it)
• Try crack (Fail - Maybe next year)
• Quit WoW (Fail - Maybe next year)

My Grandpa just moved in with my parents this week.  And my birthday is coming up next weekend.  So I’m going through this dual realization of what it means to age and the stages of life and shit.  It’s bullshit.  It’s basically just my excuse to drink a lot more than normal.

So Grandpa… he moved in with my folks.  Which is awesome, I absolutely love Grandpa.  Coolest guy ever, hands down.  Actually, I have some good Grandparents all the way around.  So the other night, I went over to have dinner with my parents and Grandpa.  It was dece.  My mom’s a good cook.  But before dinner started, I went back into my Granpa’s wing (he has his own “wing,” how great is that?) where he was sitting in his La-Z-Boy watching the weather with his TV headphones on.  He takes the headphones off when I sit down to him, but is clearly still just focused on the TV.  I haven’t seen him for a year or so.  It was a warm reunion.

So, he’s watching the weather on the TV.  And he’s reading it all out loud, because he can no longer here the announcer.  It wasn’t even the good part, where they just summarize how hot or cold it will be.  It was the dumb part, where they’re talking about barometric pressure, as if we learn about that in public schools these days…  And he’s just reading along.  And it hit me: old people are weird.  Think about it!  Old people love the weather channel, right?  Why?  Is it going to mess up their evening plans?  Kill that weekend campout?  No.  They’re going to be sitting inside watching about the weather this weekend too.

It’s not just the weather channel, either.  Think about driving.  A lot of old people drive slowly.  Everytime I’m stuck behind some slow driver, I eventually see that they’re elderly when I pass them.  Or female.  Or Asian.  (I once saw the perfect storm: An elderly, Asian, woman driver.)  Why are these people going so slow?  YOU’RE ABOUT TO DIE ANY MINUTE!!!  Hurry the fuck up!  What, is your cable out?  Why aren’t you watching the weather channel at home?

Anyway, old people are weird.  Just think about it.