Yankee Tag Blog

I got the rudest call today. A man called up and asked for “Theresa McLellan”. Theresa used to own my phone number. I’m not Theresa. I’ve never met Theresa. I wish Theresa paid her bills on time. I get a lot of calls for Theresa from various debt collectors. For the most part, they’re very polite, and I always wish them the best of luck. Debt collecting isn’t an easy job, but it’s important. And besides, people should pay their bills.

Back on point, this man calls up and asks for Theresa. Being a gentleman, I politely reply that he, unfortunately, has the wrong number. He says, “Well then who are you?” with this snotty, irritating tone of voice. I give him my first name and assure him that no one by the name “Theresa” lives here. Then, and I find this truly shocking, he demands to know my last name. Now look, I don’t mean to act like there’s no way to find out somebody’s name, or that it’s any kind of top secret information, but that’s just rude. I mean, he called me. So, I reply, “Sir, you called me. You’ve dialed the wrong number, good luck reaching your intended party.”

As I reach to hang up I hear him speaking and pull the receiver back to my ear. To my amazement, he’s still yelling at me to identify myself. I genuinely cannot believe that someone could be so rude. Especially on the job. So… I decided to play a game. Imagining that he probably makes extra money by successfully collecting debts, I decided to waste as much of his time as I possibly could. I put the phone on speaker mode, sat back, and tried to keep him on the phone as long as possible (which was exactly12 minutes and 17 seconds as it turns out). I would say things like, “Well, I don’t know Theresa, but if I meet her, what should I say to her.” And, “Are you sure Theresa is a woman?” And, “Don’t you kinda wonder what Theresa is doing right now, at this very minute?” It was strangely satisfying.

By the way, Theresa, if you’re out there, please call I.C. Systems, Inc at 651-204-1361. Ask for the asshole. Hopefully that will help them direct you to the right guy.

In what I hope is the final installment of the Mexicana series, Jaime finally comes through. I think you’ll enjoy the following letter that accompanied my check (make especially sure you read the third paragraph):

Dear Mr. YankeeTag:

This will acknowledge receipt of your letter wherein you informed us about lost of your baggage with MEXICANA flight connection MX307 route: Mexico - Cancun, in October 02, 2007.

In regard to your delay luggage compensation request, enclosed find our check number XXXXXX with charge to the JPMorgan Chase Bank, in the amount of $540.00 USCY (five hundred forty 00/100USCY) as full and final settlement for your claim.

Please be informed that your claim has been adjusted in accordance with regulations Governing International Travel. These regulations, which are part of the Conditions of Contract outlined on each ticket and contained in the provisions on the Warsaw Convention.

Please accept our sincere apologies for the inconvenience you reported. We hope that you will give us another opportunity to prove we can serve you in a completely satisfactory manner.

Sincerely,
Jaime Suarez Lopez

Aside from the irritation that they can’t find anyone to even proofread the form letter they routinely send out, this letter is a little insulting.

First, it shouldn’t take from October 2, 2007 to February 14, 2008 to rectify the fact that some minimum wage employee (do they even have a minimum wage in Mexico?) looted my belongings.

Second, they called it my “delay luggage compensation request”. I guess we’ll have to chalk this one up to a translation error. See, in real English, ‘delayed’ means it came later than expected. I think the word they were looking for is ‘extremely reasonable lost’ (In context: “your [extremely reasonable lost] luggage compensation request”).

Finally, I don’t know which I find more offensive: a) that lost airline baggage was a topic at the WARSAW CONVENTION, or b) that this was handled in accordance with the regulations they decided on there.

See the letter Mexicana sends you when they lose $1,000 dollars worth of stuff you own.

…is back. Our kickoff brew is a Black Butte Porter clone. We started the brew yesterday, and this morning fermentation is in full swing. It’s fermenting in my coat closet. Here, have a look:

As you can see, “Top Hat” is a pretty classy brewery. We should be able to rack in about a week, and hopefully will be bottling in three or four.

I don’t believe in god, but if I did, I would thank her for making me Irish.

Go sign the petition at http://proposition317.com/ to make St. Patrick’s Day a national holiday!

Bunny Hunt ‘08 was a huge success. Sure, we only came back with one half of a bunny, but we shot dozens. You see, in light of my dedicated interest in sustainable hunting, we implemented a new program which I call “Shoot and Release.” The premise is simple: we’re sportsmen and enjoy the thrill of the hunt, but we don’t need to take the bunnies with us. It’s the challenge we’re after, so after shooting the bunnies we simply let them go. We got the idea for “Shoot and Release” from the fishing tradition of “Catch and Release.” Of course, bunnies are quite different than fish. While fish swim away anxiously after release, bunnies tend to play dead. What jokesters.

One of the great aspects of hunting is how close to nature it brings you. When we headed out, I figured there was only one kind of bunny, but in fact there are countless types of bunnies. It’s a good thing we practice “Shoot and Release” because bunnies come in a variety of sizes and shapes and some are quite large. One especially large type of bunny we shot had a long tail and short ears. This bunny must have been part of some type of study because it had a collar and name tag on it. We even saw one bunny that had ears that looked like they could have belonged to a human. And this bunny was huge! It was easily the size of a small child. We almost didn’t recognize it as a bunny, because it was wearing clothes.

The bunny we brought home was the “traditional” kind. My buddy got it with his 12 gauge tactical Mossman 500 from about five feet away. We found most of it. I insisted that he pose with his new trophy:

I believe, if you’re going to kill an animal, you should use all of it. We found a use for every part. Even the head. “What could we use the head for?” you ask. Well, we stuck it on a stake as a warning to the other bunnies. Bunnies, we will fuck you up.

My buddy, the infamous Sacramento Artist St. Ofle, has recently designed a shirt print that we felt was perfect in consideration of my upcoming Bunny Hunt. The genius of the design is the “two-sided” approach: one side of the shirt (the front) will show a bunny print and the inside of the front of the shirt will be the recipe, so that it shows through a little. Brilliant.

This weekend, for the first time in my life, I’m going hunting. Bunny hunting, to be specific. My fellow hunters and I figure that we’re men, and must do what men do best: hunt bunnies. (Still unsure what a bunny is?) So we’re going this weekend, and we’re bringing lots and lots of ammo.