Yankee Tag Blog

I’ve not been posting, because I’ve not been interesting.  And because I’ve not been not posting on facebook.  And I’ve been not not playing WoW.  But today I’m not posting on facebook or playing WoW and I’m still not interesting.  I’m at the airport.  And I’m eavesdropping on this guy sitting next to me, because he is interesting.  And gay.  Very, very gay.  He has the highest pitched voice I’ve ever heard coming out of an adult male.  And the way his legs are crossed made me do a double-take.  I guess if my legs were crossed like that, I’d have a high pitched voice too.

He seems nice enough, but he’s talking on his cell phone.  I kind of hate him for that.  Especially because it forces me to listen to him talk about things like shoes, some guy named “Bill”, his energy level, his schedule, and his feelings.  Which is fine, except I feel a little left out; I’d like to know who Bill is, and maybe he should ask me how I’m feeling.  Would that be so hard?

The good news is that I’m on my way home now.   And when I get there, I’m buying an AR-15.  I was going to special order one, but the guy fucked up my order, so I’m getting a different one now.  Now I need to find a machinist who will make an auto-seer.  Not that I would buy one, because that’s illegal.  But if you know anyone, let me know: fucktheATF@yankeetag.com

I was in Seattle over the weekend. What’s the occasion, you ask? Well, it was my birthday last week and my friend Morgan and her boyfriend did fly up, but the occasion was: Rover’s. See below:

GRAND MENU DEGUSTATION -130
WINE PAIRING –75
Amuse-Bouche -5
Kumamoto Oysters with Champagne Sabayon and White Sturgeon Caviar -20
Alaskan Spot Prawns with English Pea, Red Onion and Candied Fennel Salad -18
Diver’s Sea Scallop with Fava Bean Puree, Duck Prosciutto and Foie Gras Nage -18
Game Confit with Baby Spinach, Fig Reduction and Roasted Garlic Jus -17
Hudson Valley Foie Gras with King Boletus and Almond Gastrique -22
Troll King Salmon with Baby Bok Choy, Smoked Bacon and Chive Blossom Butter -19
Pink Grapefruit and Vermouth Sorbet -3
Lamb Loin Medallions with Cascade Morels, Golden Beets and Peppercorn Demi -23
Symphony of Desserts -12
Mignardises -5

Best food I’ve ever had, hands down.

I’m back at the airport for my third flight of the month. I’m starting to recognize airport personnel and other frequent travelers. This probably indicates that my flights are delayed too often, at least more so than it indicates that I’m observant by nature.

Passing through security this morning I learned two things: 1) it’s ok to bring CPAP machines through the security checkpoint, but you have to take it out of your bag just like you would a laptop, and 2) apparently there is some doubt among TSA employees as to whether X-rays can pass through neoprene (wet suit material).

Perhaps I’m just being rude (it’s been known to happen), but at 5:00 am, I would prefer as little discussion and commotion as possible as I proceed through the understaffed security checkpoint. The overly awake “greeter” (a new feature I’ve noticed at the security point at PDX) loudly gives the same instructions as the monitor placed directly overhead. (Remember 3-1-1 to speed my screening process.) One of her instructions is to please take out any laptops, video recorders, or CPAP machines out and place them in a bin for security screening. CPAP Machines? Is it really that common to travel with CPAP machines that we need to announce this? I’m a reasonably intelligent guy, and I had no idea what this was until I looked it up on Wikipedia. So they can’t be that common. And at 5:00 in the morning, we probably don’t need to announce this in our “outside voices”.

So I’m undressing into the grey plastic bins to be run through the X-ray machine. My normal routine is to pull my laptop out of its neoprene case (more like a sleeve, really) and place the laptop on top of the case in the bin. It’s a new laptop, and I’d really hate to get it scratched up as bad as my old laptop. I’ve been going through this exact same routine on every flight since March, when I bought my fancy new laptop. Today an overzealous and underinformed (the worst possible combination) TSA agent stops me and says that the computer must go through by itself. These guys don’t have the easiest job (although that’s mostly their fault, IMO), but nevertheless, I feel obliged to point out that I’d really rather not have my new laptop resting directly on the rickety old grey plastic bin, and would prefer, instead, to have it resting on my case. I have, as I patiently pointed out, complied with instructions by removing it from my baggage and by passing it through in its own bin. At this point, the gentleman (if he can be called that) argues that the the X-ray machine might have trouble passing through the case, and that they need to get a good look.

Ok, so I’m no radiological technician, but it seems pretty clear to me that X-rays can pass through neoprene. Especially if they can pass through cheap grey plastic bins. And especially considering that unless I miss my guess, the X-rays don’t pass through from the bottom of the machine, through the conveyor belt, but rather from the top or sides. You know, the part where the big tunnel is… Hey, I could be wrong, I’ll admit that. But it seems like a pretty stupid way to design the machine. Which would make sense if the TSA agent designed it. But I’m guessing he didn’t. I started to point this out, but I thought to myself, “Fuck it, it’s just a Dell.”

On a side note, I find myself getting frustrated with a lot of people. Usually it’s at their place of employment, when I’m forced to interface with them. Call me a terrible person, because you’re right, but I always take solace in one thing: They have reached the absolute pinnacle of their career. And here they are: bagging groceries, waving traffic signs, or in this case, repeating the phrase “please remove your shoes and place them in a grey plastic bin to run through the X-ray machine.” (It’s a good thing I don’t wear neoprene shoes…)

About a month ago I started noticing some new airline check-in questions. They used to ask fairly intuitive questions: Are these your bags? Have you had them with you at all times? Have you been asked to carry packages from unknown individuals? Now they ask new, dumb questions. The most absurd to me is: Are you carrying any explosives?

Am I carrying explosives? Seriously?

Why don’t we just ask: Are you a terrorist? I’ll tell you why we don’t ask that; it would be dumb. Nobody would answer honestly. This of course begs the questions, who would honestly answer that, yes, they do in fact have explosives in their bags. Nobody. Obviously. So, to give them the benefit of the doubt, I’ve come up with a list of other possible reasons they may be asking if you packed explosives in your luggage this morning:

• You may have accidentally packed a pipe bomb. Hey, it happens, and not as rarely as you think. You’re tired, maybe it’s early in the morning, or you’re rushed, and you think to yourself: Toothbrush, check, belt, check, ticket, check, underwear, check (better bring a spare pair, just in case), and pipe bomb, check. When you go to check in, oooops! You’re right, I did accidentally bring a pipe bomb. Here, why don’t you just throw this away for me. And while you’re at it, here is the nail file I accidentally brought, which you’re bound to confiscate from me anyway, lest I manicure the pilots to death.
• As a courtesy to our travelers: Did you remember to bring a pipe bomb? We have spares here, which we give as a courtesy along with 1 quart plastic Ziplock bags.
• To catch you off guard. You know the routine, you’re a terrorist, you’ve been practicing answering the questions all morning: “yes, these are my bags, no I haven’t accepted a package from an unknown individual… yes, these are my bags, no I haven’t accepted a package from unknown individuals.” “Hello Mr. Al-Qaida, are you bringing any explosives with you today?” “Yes these are my bags… oh, uh… yeah, I have a bomb. Oh shit! I mean, no! No, I don’t have a bomb!”
• To reassure our passengers. Don’t worry Mr. Smith, you’ll be safe flying with us. We ask every passenger if they’re bringing explosives, and every passenger on your flight has said “no” so far.  Thanks for flying the Friendly Skies!
• Conspiracy theory: because the government doesn’t think we’re smart enough to realize what a ridiculous attempt this is to create paranoia and put enough fear into the public to continue to pump billions and billions of dollars a year into illegal wire-tapping programs on innocent sovereign citizens by insisting against all evidence that there is an imminent threat against our Multi-Trillion-Dollar-Per-Year Military by a group of cave-dwelling camel jockeys.

So, um, no. I don’t have any explosives in my luggage. I’m glad we could clear this up.

I’m currently stranded at the Sacramento Airport and am waiting for Alaska Airlines to “get paperwork from command” before our flight can be boarded. Great. This is exactly how I was hoping to spend my evening. While waiting, I took the opportunity to use the restroom. While washing my hands, I noticed something unusual. The motion-activated sink runs for exactly seven seconds if it doesn’t detect vigorous enough (in its own subjective opinion) motion. Which seems odd to me. Because a seven second handwash can’t possibly be healthy.

In fact, it’s not. In this page about proper handwashing technique, the CDC recommends the following strategy:

How to wash your hands:

• 1. Wet your hands with warm water.
• 2. Apply a generous amount of soap.
• 3. Rub your hands together for 20 seconds.
• 4. Rinse your hands.
• 5. Dry your hands with a paper towel.
• 6. Use the paper towel to turn off the faucet and open the door.

It seems that this process would require the water to run for at least 30-40 seconds.

Also, in an informal survey, I witnessed 13 people enter and exit the bathroom. Three washed their hands. None did so for more than 10 seconds. I really need to get out of this airport.

As mentioned in my previous post about “Shit Nobody Needs,” I found a few more can’t-live-without products.

The Outside Shower

Are you sick and tired of having your disgusting house guests use your shower? If you’re like me, you are! Relegate them to outside showering, and keep their filth outdoors. As you can see, this revolutionary product attaches to a regular old garden hose. This way, they won’t use up all your hot water, either! Note: MILF in photo is a serving suggestion only and does not come with purchase of the Outside Shower.

The Dough-nu-matic

You’ve asked for it, and it’s finally here! The incredible Dough-nu-matic automatic doughnut making machine! This fantastic new device cranks out piping-hot miniature doughnuts in less than a minute! It’s absolutely perfect for all those times when you’ve said to yourself, “I sure wish I could have piping-hot miniature doughnuts in less than a minute!”

Five Simple Rules for Life Wallhanging

This attractive wall hanging offers a gentle reminder of the five simple rules for life. You’ll notice that each of the rules begin with the letter L, which is really neat. Yes, one of the rules of life is “life”. Another one is “live”. Those may seem like odd rules, but it’s tough to come up with five, all beginning with the letter L, and we had already named it before we decided what the rules would be. The middle rule is “laugh”, which is exactly what your friends will do when you put this in your house.

The Hunter Hearing Aid

Have you ever wanted to look like you were deaf, while you go hunting? If you’re like me, you have! This Hunter Hearing Aid provides the perfect solution. Some states even offer a discount hunting license for handicappers, and nobody will ask twice once they see this 1980’s model hearing aid affixed to your head. Also, it’s good if you ever want to pretend you didn’t hear something.

Five-in-One Shoes

Have you ever found shoes that were so unbearably ugly, you didn’t want to ever take them off? Did you wish you could take the sole of the shoe off, and replace it with another sole, thereby creating more than one shoe (in one!)? Well, these hideous shoes go three steps further! Introducing the 5-in-1 shoe. Just take the soles of your shoes off, and replace it with one of the other four pairs of soles that you’ve been carrying around with you all day.

NeckPro Traction Device

Are you clumsy and prone to injury? Well then this is for you! Do you not know how to tie a noose? Well then this is for you! Do you desperately want a new party trick for your next social engagement? Well then this is for you! Do you frequently wish you could pull a cord that would yank your head towards the ceiling? Well then this is for you! Are you the kind of person who will buy absolutely any kind of shit if it’s offered to you in an in-flight catalogue? Well then this is for you!

In my recent flights, I’ve (quite guiltily) opened the SkyMall magazine which is conveniently tucked into the seat pocket in front of me. Apparently, we as a society are unable to go for two hours without shopping for things. And as I leafed through the magazine out of boredom, I quickly realized why. What fabulous shit they sell! Below I’ve listed some of my favorite items:

Cookie Diet

The cookie diet allows you to LOSE WEIGHT the delicious way. For only $20 for a box of twelve cookies, you will quickly find that you can no longer afford to eat. Hence, you lose weight. The instructions say, “Eat a cookie, skip a meal.” Look, I’m no dietitian, but if you only ate one cookie, and then skipped a meal, wouldn’t you lose weight no matter which cookie you ate? Also, in case you were concerned, yes, they’re Kosher. As if a Jew would spend $20 for a box of 12 cookies…

Lay-away Carpet

Have you ever wanted to buy new, ugly, industrial carpet, but realized that you just couldn’t afford it? If you’re like me, you have! Enter: lay-away carpet. This fantastic new product sells carpet in 20 square foot increments, so you can purchase it slowly, over time, to fit your budget. Your friends will be so excited, and you won’t be able to wait to finish buying the rest of your floor!

ZeroSmoke

Are you a smoker? Are you trying to quit? Maybe if you walk around with a gold dot on your ear, looking like a giant tool you’ll finally be motivated to kick the habit. The ZeroSmoke magnetic ear dot promises to help you quit smoking within 30 days, but I think you’ll quit the first time somebody asks you why you have that stupid-fucking thing on. Either that, or you’ll start chain-smoking as it brings up all of those old self-confidence issues that led you to smoking in the first place.

Marital Problem Bed Solution

Are you having marital problems? If you’re like me, you are! Are you sick and tired of going back and forth between separate beds and sharing a bed with your pain-in-the-ass spouse? Have I got a solution for you! Introducing the revolutionary bed joiner. This unbelievable device will simplify your bed dilemma. When you’re fighting, simply remove the bed joiner and have your separate beds. When you get back together, simply put the bed joiner back down. If you’re like our few satisfied customers, in no time at all you’ll realize that even this is just too much work, and you’ll finally end it once and for all!

The MatrixPC Watch

I wasn’t convinced about this moderately unattractive watch until I read the accompanying description:

When you want to express style, class and sophistication, the MatrixPC watch from Gforce gives you it all.
When you want to raise some eyebrows or have an excellent ice breaker for you next sales meeting, the jaw dropping Gforce MatrixPC is your best resource. The stunning design will tell people that you are someone who is confident, secure, and successful; all traits that will attract the right people into your life. The MatrixPC makes everyone aware that you know what it takes in life.

Repeat after me: “I am confident, secure, and successful; I know what it takes in life.”

The All-Edge Baking Pan

Are you sick and tired of always eating the delicious center of your baked treats? Do you wish that you could just always eat the hard, crusty sides and corners? Well this All-Edge Baking Pan is practically full of corners! Never worry about getting a good piece again!

Be sure to check back on Tuesday, when I post Part 2 of “Shit Nobody Needs”

Is it just me, or does it seem like the government hasn’t fully capitalized on airport safety alert messages which are broadcast over the intercom every 20 seconds at every airport? I mean, they’re clearly failing to work the public up into a healthy froth of bigotry and paranoia.

This morning, while at the airport, I must have heard the following message about fifty times: “Keep your belongings in your possession at all times. Do not accept packages from unknown individuals. Unattended luggage is subject to search, seizure, and removal by airport security.” While certainly upbeat, this message is far from the propaganda tool it could be. I propose: “Keep your belongings in your possession at all times. Other people at this airport are trying to kill you. It’s highly likely that Muslims will put bombs in your carry-on baggage. If you can, try to peek into other peoples bags while they’re not looking.”

The other one I hear is: “Report suspicious individuals or activity to airport security.” What they mean is: “Trust no one. Especially keep an eye on those Muslims. When in doubt, assume they’re terrorists. Remember: good Christians don’t wear towels on their heads.”

And finally, “The current threat level is: Orange. Passengers and luggage are subject to inspection.” Where is Big Brother when you need him? Try this: “The current threat level is: Orange. An Orange threat level indicates a complete forfeiture of your privacy and civil liberties. Reporting thoughtcrime is doubleplusgood.”

And what’s with threat level Orange anyway? We live in a dynamic, confusing society. I refuse to believe that we can measure risk using only primary and secondary colors. I propose that today’s threat level is: Magenta, which indicates that there may be some risk, somewhere, but probably not here, but if so it probably comes from people who don’t look good and white like us.

On a side note, this quote comes directly off of the Homeland Security Advisory System webpage:

While there continues to be no credible information at this time warning of an imminent threat to the homeland, the department’s strategic threat perspective is that we are in a period of increased risk.

Did you get all that? Yes, there continues to be no credible information at this time warning of an imminent threat to the homeland. Where do I even begin…

Be safe out there, comrades.

I’ve been flying a lot lately for work. A lot. Like six or eight flights a month. All that time on planes has given me quite an opportunity to think about how planes shouldn’t work. I’m not stupid, I know they do, I just don’t think they should. They weigh like a million pounds. And they’re metal. And they fly through the air. And I know, I’ve heard all of the statistics. Sure, you’re less likely to die in a plane crash, than you are a car. What makes you think I feel safe in cars? Clearly you haven’t ever met a semi-truck driver. I certainly don’t feel safe driving next to them. Semi-truck drivers. Salt of the earth.

The worst part about flying isn’t the flying itself, necessarily. It’s the other people who fly. I’m sure they’re no different than the other people who shop at grocery stores, sit next to me in coffee shops, or loiter pathetically by themselves at my local bar. I just hate them more, because for the next hour or two I can’t get away. I do everything possible to get away. I put on my iPod, wear my crusty old ballcap as low as I can, and keep my nose buried in a book (whether or not I’m actually reading anything). But I can’t get away. I want to point out to these people that I’m sitting next to them because random bad luck put a seat number on my ticket that was unfortunately close to the number on theirs. But for some reason, they always seem to think I chose to sit next to them and, as such, they go out of their way to make small talk to me about shit I couldn’t possibly care less about. And it’s always the person I have the absolute least in common with. Every single time it’s some desperate, overweight fifty-some-odd woman who’s clinging desperately to the last vestiges of sexuality by wearing disgustingly tight clothes that she purchased fifteen years ago, back when they were only marginally out of style.

On my flights, I’ve been doing a bit of reading while I try not to make eye contact with the desperate, overweight fifty-some-odd woman who is sitting uncomfortably close to me. One of the books I read recently mentioned that computers are becoming so advanced that in the next decade they will actually surpass the capability and capacity of the human mind. So, I guess, that means they’re currently less capable than the human mind. That doesn’t bother me because I think we should suppress the robot race anyway. We need to, we’re not allowed to buy regular slaves anymore and I don’t want to clean my own house. Like I said, it’s fine that computers aren’t as capable as humans. Or, it would be fine, except that I also read that computers currently handle almost every aspect of commercial airline flight. They’ve even taken over the takeoff and landing procedures. Wait a minute… we’re leaving flying this plane to something less capable than a human? Isn’t there a hamburger this computer could flip or something? That’s got to take less finesse. We can’t possibly be out of available humans already, I seem to recall reading somewhere that we’re shipping all of our jobs to India or Mexico or Vietnam or Canada, or some other third world country. I guess I didn’t realize that we were sending the employees, too.

It is strangely comforting that we still put “pilots” in the seats up front, even if all they do is make announcements about seatbelts and cellphones. With all of the financial problems airlines are having, you would think they would just sell those seats, too. I would pay a premium to be locked behind a door marked boldly, “Terrorists, please don’t kick this door in and kill us all.”

Finally, I’m a little disappointed that we still have so much security at airports. It’s not that I’m not afraid of terrorism, I’m just disappointed we haven’t killed them all yet. September 11th was six-and-a-half years ago. And we already figured out the magic anti-terrorism resistance tool: one quart ziplock plastic bags. Apparently anything put inside a ziplock bag is safe. Remember 3-1-1 to speed my screening process.

In what I hope is the final installment of the Mexicana series, Jaime finally comes through. I think you’ll enjoy the following letter that accompanied my check (make especially sure you read the third paragraph):

Dear Mr. YankeeTag:

This will acknowledge receipt of your letter wherein you informed us about lost of your baggage with MEXICANA flight connection MX307 route: Mexico - Cancun, in October 02, 2007.

In regard to your delay luggage compensation request, enclosed find our check number XXXXXX with charge to the JPMorgan Chase Bank, in the amount of $540.00 USCY (five hundred forty 00/100USCY) as full and final settlement for your claim.

Please be informed that your claim has been adjusted in accordance with regulations Governing International Travel. These regulations, which are part of the Conditions of Contract outlined on each ticket and contained in the provisions on the Warsaw Convention.

Please accept our sincere apologies for the inconvenience you reported. We hope that you will give us another opportunity to prove we can serve you in a completely satisfactory manner.

Sincerely,
Jaime Suarez Lopez

Aside from the irritation that they can’t find anyone to even proofread the form letter they routinely send out, this letter is a little insulting.

First, it shouldn’t take from October 2, 2007 to February 14, 2008 to rectify the fact that some minimum wage employee (do they even have a minimum wage in Mexico?) looted my belongings.

Second, they called it my “delay luggage compensation request”. I guess we’ll have to chalk this one up to a translation error. See, in real English, ‘delayed’ means it came later than expected. I think the word they were looking for is ‘extremely reasonable lost’ (In context: “your [extremely reasonable lost] luggage compensation request”).

Finally, I don’t know which I find more offensive: a) that lost airline baggage was a topic at the WARSAW CONVENTION, or b) that this was handled in accordance with the regulations they decided on there.

See the letter Mexicana sends you when they lose $1,000 dollars worth of stuff you own.