Yankee Tag Blog

Introducing the Barrstache (Libertystache).  I want one.  I will have one.  I will have one. (I kinda just need to talk myself into it first…)

I was browsing Facebook (ok, playing Mob Wars), when I stumbled across the most terrifying photo: a picture of Barack Obama as Jesus. I’m not sure which is more terrifying, the fact that people worship a 2,000-year-old dead Jew, or the fact that Obama is being likened to him.

Here’s the thing about Obama, he’s a nice guy who probably means well, but he’s just not grounded in reality. He has this fanciful idea that the government should solve all of society’s problems, and that at its’ helm, he’ll be the one to see that it gets done. But why is it the government’s job? Here’s a great example:

Recently, Obama announced a solution to global warming and our dependency on oil. (I know, yeay!) Here it is; the government will give a reward of $300,000,000 to whoever can come up with a design for a commercially viable engine that runs on an alternative energy source and has zero emissions.

That’s the plan. Here’s the problem: THAT ALREADY EXISTS. It’s called “the market”. Anyone who invents one of these is going to be making SO much money, they’ll never need to worry about the puny $300mil from the government. Shit, they’ll pay more than that in taxes. The first year.

But that’s the problem, he’s full of “change,” full of new solutions, and yet, none of them really make any sense. But maybe I’m just dumb. Of course, I’m not the one chain-smoking Kools, while reading the Koran.

I’m just surprised his PR firm isn’t circulating this photo more widely…

Now that Ron Paul has stepped down to focus on his freedom campaign, I’m switching my presidential candidate of choice to Bob Barr of the Libertarian Party. While I’m disappointed (although not really surprised) that Ron Paul didn’t capture more of America’s support, I am happy to be back in the Libertarian party after my brief six-month hiatus to vote for Paul in the Republican primaries.

Frankly, even though Paul ran as a Republican, I felt kind of dirty registering for the GOP. Mostly because the party is a despicable group clamoring for the titles of “Chief Gay Basher” and “Jesus’ Best Pal” and “Dr. James Dobson’s Bitch”. The libertarian party’s “anything goes” attitude, is much more in line with my belief that people should govern themselves and live their lives according to their own beliefs (so long, of course, as their beliefs don’t infringe on others’ rights).

Anyway, if you’re even slightly open-minded, I encourage you to take 4 minutes and read Bob Barr’s stance on the predominate issues our country will be facing over these next four years. I think you’ll be surprised at how much sense he makes.

My brother reminded me that I haven’t posted in far too long. It’s not that I’ve had something better to do, I’ve just been working like crazy. So, I’m sitting at the airport at 5 in the morning and find myself with an abundance of free time (25 minutes = abundance) and I thought, “what the heck, I’ll post to my blog that nobody reads.”

I don’t really have anything creative or important to write about. So I’m going to tell you two things that I always think of, and that my girlfriend is sick of hearing me say.

1) If your job is to hold a sign, you are worthless. You’re replacing a stick. In fact, whoever hired you thought it was easier to pay you your tiny salary, than to buy a stick. This goes for the sign twirlers in front of the new condominiums everywhere you go, the guys working the mall during the holiday rush, and the (always overly dirty) people holding the “slow” signs in front of construction work on the road. I can’t possibly imagine how terrible it would feel to know that your job could be replaced by something that cavemen invented.

2) Regarding pizza boxes: the instructions should be on every side. I’ve never once pulled out a box of frozen pizza from the freezer and thought to myself, “hmmm, I sure would like to read about the history of the Totino’s brand,” or, “Gosh, I wonder what makes DiGiorno taste so good, is it their ingredients?” Never. Every single time, I’m looking for the instructions. Just the instructions. Because I want to eat some fucking pizza. So put the instructions on every side of the box. Mark my words, whichever brand figures this out first, I will only buy their pizza from now on. Imagine a perfect world where you pull a pizza out of the freezer, and right there staring back at you are baking instructions. Imagine if they weren’t hidden in tiny-ass font on the side of the box, but rather, in GIANT BOLD WRITING on every side: BAKE AT 350° FOR 12-15 MINUTES. That would rock my world.  And probably my BMI.

Also, on a total sidenote: I voted today.  For Ron Paul.  It’s sad that the exact same thing would happen whether I mail my ballot in or throw it away in the nearest trash can (actually, recycle bin, I don’t throw away paper…).  But it’s principle.  And it’s important.  I also am reading the best book ever, and I encourage you to check it out.  The Revolution: A Manifesto

Today is “Earth Day,” which I’ve only just now found out. What a ridiculous holiday. The idea is that we celebrate the Earth and worry about all of the terrible things we’re doing it it (more on that later). What kind of a holiday is that? It isn’t enough that I feel guilty every day? Now we’re setting aside days to feel especially guilty.

So today I’m thinking about global warming, overpopulation, pollution, fossil fuel depletion, and other myths. You know how I know these are myths? I’ve compiled my entire list of reasons:

1. President Bush says these are myths and won’t allow federal funds to be used to research these lies.

And let me just play devil’s advocate for a minute and pretend that these things actually exist. Who cares? The Rapture will be any day now, and we don’t need the earth anymore anyway.

About a month ago I started noticing some new airline check-in questions. They used to ask fairly intuitive questions: Are these your bags? Have you had them with you at all times? Have you been asked to carry packages from unknown individuals? Now they ask new, dumb questions. The most absurd to me is: Are you carrying any explosives?

Am I carrying explosives? Seriously?

Why don’t we just ask: Are you a terrorist? I’ll tell you why we don’t ask that; it would be dumb. Nobody would answer honestly. This of course begs the questions, who would honestly answer that, yes, they do in fact have explosives in their bags. Nobody. Obviously. So, to give them the benefit of the doubt, I’ve come up with a list of other possible reasons they may be asking if you packed explosives in your luggage this morning:

• You may have accidentally packed a pipe bomb. Hey, it happens, and not as rarely as you think. You’re tired, maybe it’s early in the morning, or you’re rushed, and you think to yourself: Toothbrush, check, belt, check, ticket, check, underwear, check (better bring a spare pair, just in case), and pipe bomb, check. When you go to check in, oooops! You’re right, I did accidentally bring a pipe bomb. Here, why don’t you just throw this away for me. And while you’re at it, here is the nail file I accidentally brought, which you’re bound to confiscate from me anyway, lest I manicure the pilots to death.
• As a courtesy to our travelers: Did you remember to bring a pipe bomb? We have spares here, which we give as a courtesy along with 1 quart plastic Ziplock bags.
• To catch you off guard. You know the routine, you’re a terrorist, you’ve been practicing answering the questions all morning: “yes, these are my bags, no I haven’t accepted a package from an unknown individual… yes, these are my bags, no I haven’t accepted a package from unknown individuals.” “Hello Mr. Al-Qaida, are you bringing any explosives with you today?” “Yes these are my bags… oh, uh… yeah, I have a bomb. Oh shit! I mean, no! No, I don’t have a bomb!”
• To reassure our passengers. Don’t worry Mr. Smith, you’ll be safe flying with us. We ask every passenger if they’re bringing explosives, and every passenger on your flight has said “no” so far.  Thanks for flying the Friendly Skies!
• Conspiracy theory: because the government doesn’t think we’re smart enough to realize what a ridiculous attempt this is to create paranoia and put enough fear into the public to continue to pump billions and billions of dollars a year into illegal wire-tapping programs on innocent sovereign citizens by insisting against all evidence that there is an imminent threat against our Multi-Trillion-Dollar-Per-Year Military by a group of cave-dwelling camel jockeys.

So, um, no. I don’t have any explosives in my luggage. I’m glad we could clear this up.

Is it just me, or does it seem like the government hasn’t fully capitalized on airport safety alert messages which are broadcast over the intercom every 20 seconds at every airport? I mean, they’re clearly failing to work the public up into a healthy froth of bigotry and paranoia.

This morning, while at the airport, I must have heard the following message about fifty times: “Keep your belongings in your possession at all times. Do not accept packages from unknown individuals. Unattended luggage is subject to search, seizure, and removal by airport security.” While certainly upbeat, this message is far from the propaganda tool it could be. I propose: “Keep your belongings in your possession at all times. Other people at this airport are trying to kill you. It’s highly likely that Muslims will put bombs in your carry-on baggage. If you can, try to peek into other peoples bags while they’re not looking.”

The other one I hear is: “Report suspicious individuals or activity to airport security.” What they mean is: “Trust no one. Especially keep an eye on those Muslims. When in doubt, assume they’re terrorists. Remember: good Christians don’t wear towels on their heads.”

And finally, “The current threat level is: Orange. Passengers and luggage are subject to inspection.” Where is Big Brother when you need him? Try this: “The current threat level is: Orange. An Orange threat level indicates a complete forfeiture of your privacy and civil liberties. Reporting thoughtcrime is doubleplusgood.”

And what’s with threat level Orange anyway? We live in a dynamic, confusing society. I refuse to believe that we can measure risk using only primary and secondary colors. I propose that today’s threat level is: Magenta, which indicates that there may be some risk, somewhere, but probably not here, but if so it probably comes from people who don’t look good and white like us.

On a side note, this quote comes directly off of the Homeland Security Advisory System webpage:

While there continues to be no credible information at this time warning of an imminent threat to the homeland, the department’s strategic threat perspective is that we are in a period of increased risk.

Did you get all that? Yes, there continues to be no credible information at this time warning of an imminent threat to the homeland. Where do I even begin…

Be safe out there, comrades.

Weekend America is so much better than weekday America. They had this great segment on this week, which was pointed out to me by one of the broads behind Grammarholic.com. She’s been busy trying to push out a baby but still makes time to listen to liberally biased media. Which makes her Obama’s hero. And he knows a lot about what it takes to be a hero.

So, back to liberal bias… on Weekend America they had a segment mocking the robotic political calls we all receive from candidates. They did a little bit on what it would sound like if the calls we receive from them at odd hours, actually were intended to be received at odd hours. (Very well done, by the way.) They were all great, and worth a listen, but I had to share the call they created by my hero: Ron Paul. It went a little something like this,

Ron Paul here and I gotta be quick because the government’s probably tapped this phone.

Sorry to wake you up. Were you dreaming of drugs and abortions? If I’m president you won’t have to dream. Do you like taxes?

What are you stoned? If you are that’s fine by me. But taxes? Shut up.

Ron Paul for president. Do you hear black helicopters? I gotta go.

If you’re so inclined, go have a listen. It’s at the very end of the show, like the last five minutes or so.

Edit: As an afterthought, I edited that segment and removed all of the extra content and put the mp3 file up for sharing: Political Robot Calls. I’m sure this is all sorts of illegal. It’d be just like those liberal jerks to sue me for it, too…

I don’t believe in god, but if I did, I would thank her for making me Irish.

Go sign the petition at http://proposition317.com/ to make St. Patrick’s Day a national holiday!

I think economics is interesting, which is why most people don’t like me. Ok, that’s not why they don’t like me, but I imagine it doesn’t help. Nevertheless, I’ve been appalled in recent weeks over the announcement of various politicians promoting “economic stimulus packages” (Like this, this, or that). So, in light of the ongoing debate, I’d like to throw my two cents into the mix: you’re all idiots. Here’s why…

First, understand that the US economy is a market of over $14 trillion (that number looks like: $14,000,000,000,000). The economic “stimulus” is estimated to be at $150 billion ($150,000,000,000). That sounds like a lot until you consider that it’s only about 1% of the total economy. If everything went on sale by 1% would you go out on a shopping spree? No. It’s not enough to greatly influence spending. That’s why stores don’t have 1% off sales. They have 10% off sales, or 20%, or 30% (which would require $1.4 trillion, $2.8 trillion, or $4.2 trillion respectively).

Second, the whole idea of a “stimulus” is misleading to begin with. A stimulus is an outside force that creates a reaction. But what outside force are we talking about here? The $150B has to come from somewhere within our economy. The proposals take money from one hand to place it in another. It sounds nice, it creates nice news clips, but it’s meaningless. It’s like taking a bucket of water from the deep end of the pool and dumping it in the shallow end: you don’t end up with a higher water level.

Finally, I challenge this notion that the politicians even know what they’re doing. They aren’t economists (at least not most of them) and they’re likely to cause more harm than good. If it were possible to “stimulate” the economy, why did they wait til now? Shouldn’t they have been stimulating the economy all along? The notion that your favorite politician has a “quick fix” up his (or her) sleeve is a fallacy. There is, however, one exception: Ron Paul.

Ron Paul proposes to cut tons of government spending (i.e. waste) to create a budget surplus (which would go to paying off the national debt). He proposes to cut income tax by 100%. This equals more money in your pocket. More money means you can buy more. If you buy more people need to make more, and if they make more they need to hire more people who will also not pay income tax and who also will go and buy more. This is the invisible hand that governs the economy. It’s not the one attached to Bush II, Clinton II, or Obama.