Yankee Tag Blog

One of my friends is having a baby. She’s going to be a good parent, but as I talk to her about what she wants to do I realize that there’s a lot about raising a child that many people don’t know. As a tribute to her and her soon-to-be baby (I’m guessing it will be a boy, but all we really know is it will be a surprise. Well not a surprise per se, she knows she’s having a baby, just not what kind), I wanted to compile some of the child rearing observations that I have made.

First and foremost, you have to give it a name. The name has a big impact on what type of human the child will become, once it is done looking like an alien. Children who are named after geological formations tend to be lame-ass. So, unless you want a lame-ass (like if your other children are dumb, and you want them to look smart in comparison), you probably want to avoid names like: River, Forest, Isthmus, etc. Children named after Valentine’s gifts usually end up in the adult entertainment industry. These names include: Candy, Jasmine, Jade, Sapphire, and Cristal, among others. The one exception to this rule is “Rose.” Rose will just be a grandmother. Like, right away. Finally, mono-syllabicly named children turn into plumbers. Chuck, Jim, Bill, Tim, and Ed, will all start their careers as “apprentices”.

Another important thing to know about children is that they are irritating. They tend to cry a lot and need constant supervision. You have to “child-proof” your home, which is also annoying and tends to look silly. Plus you have to teach them everything, unless you own a TV. They don’t enjoy normal activities and are typically unwelcome at places you will want to go. Like, for example: everywhere. If you hold a baby, it is likely that you will notice that they smell gross.

There are times will you will be tempted to abandon the child in a dumpster. If you find this unacceptable, other common places to abandon your children are: malls, forests, or on the side of the freeway. If you just want to abandon them temporarily, you can leave them in your car. In some areas, it may be advisable to leave your hazard lights on, so that other people know it’s only temporary. This is primarily only important in heavily Catholic or Mormon or affluent areas, as those types of people are always looking for stray children to adopt. In poor areas, this is unnecessary, but it may be inconvenient to drive to a poor part of town.

As children age, they often become unruly or disobedient or gay. This is your cue that you haven’t instilled a proper sense of fear in them. While time consuming, it may be necessary to beat them for several hours each day. If they start acting better, don’t let up, it might be a trick. This also shows them that you love them.

If you have a boy, you should encourage him to have sex as early and often as possible. It’s advisable to watch him at least once, just to make sure he’s not just “acting straight”. Once you’re convinced he enjoys it, your job is mostly done and you are free to release him into the wild.

On the other hand, if you are unfortunate enough to have a girl, you must keep her from having any contact at all with boys, and must remain constantly vigilant. If she ever sees a boy she will get pregnant and there will be at least one more child who will annoy you.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. There are many more strategies for raising children, most of which involves trying not to have them in the first place. For a scientific look on children, see the Children article on Uncyclopedia.org.

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