Yankee Tag Blog

In my recent flights, I’ve (quite guiltily) opened the SkyMall magazine which is conveniently tucked into the seat pocket in front of me. Apparently, we as a society are unable to go for two hours without shopping for things. And as I leafed through the magazine out of boredom, I quickly realized why. What fabulous shit they sell! Below I’ve listed some of my favorite items:

Cookie Diet

The cookie diet allows you to LOSE WEIGHT the delicious way. For only $20 for a box of twelve cookies, you will quickly find that you can no longer afford to eat. Hence, you lose weight. The instructions say, “Eat a cookie, skip a meal.” Look, I’m no dietitian, but if you only ate one cookie, and then skipped a meal, wouldn’t you lose weight no matter which cookie you ate? Also, in case you were concerned, yes, they’re Kosher. As if a Jew would spend $20 for a box of 12 cookies…

Lay-away Carpet

Have you ever wanted to buy new, ugly, industrial carpet, but realized that you just couldn’t afford it? If you’re like me, you have! Enter: lay-away carpet. This fantastic new product sells carpet in 20 square foot increments, so you can purchase it slowly, over time, to fit your budget. Your friends will be so excited, and you won’t be able to wait to finish buying the rest of your floor!

ZeroSmoke

Are you a smoker? Are you trying to quit? Maybe if you walk around with a gold dot on your ear, looking like a giant tool you’ll finally be motivated to kick the habit. The ZeroSmoke magnetic ear dot promises to help you quit smoking within 30 days, but I think you’ll quit the first time somebody asks you why you have that stupid-fucking thing on. Either that, or you’ll start chain-smoking as it brings up all of those old self-confidence issues that led you to smoking in the first place.

Marital Problem Bed Solution

Are you having marital problems? If you’re like me, you are! Are you sick and tired of going back and forth between separate beds and sharing a bed with your pain-in-the-ass spouse? Have I got a solution for you! Introducing the revolutionary bed joiner. This unbelievable device will simplify your bed dilemma. When you’re fighting, simply remove the bed joiner and have your separate beds. When you get back together, simply put the bed joiner back down. If you’re like our few satisfied customers, in no time at all you’ll realize that even this is just too much work, and you’ll finally end it once and for all!

The MatrixPC Watch

I wasn’t convinced about this moderately unattractive watch until I read the accompanying description:

When you want to express style, class and sophistication, the MatrixPC watch from Gforce gives you it all.
When you want to raise some eyebrows or have an excellent ice breaker for you next sales meeting, the jaw dropping Gforce MatrixPC is your best resource. The stunning design will tell people that you are someone who is confident, secure, and successful; all traits that will attract the right people into your life. The MatrixPC makes everyone aware that you know what it takes in life.

Repeat after me: “I am confident, secure, and successful; I know what it takes in life.”

The All-Edge Baking Pan

Are you sick and tired of always eating the delicious center of your baked treats? Do you wish that you could just always eat the hard, crusty sides and corners? Well this All-Edge Baking Pan is practically full of corners! Never worry about getting a good piece again!

Be sure to check back on Tuesday, when I post Part 2 of “Shit Nobody Needs”

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