Mar 10 2008
The current threat level is: Magenta
Is it just me, or does it seem like the government hasn’t fully capitalized on airport safety alert messages which are broadcast over the intercom every 20 seconds at every airport? I mean, they’re clearly failing to work the public up into a healthy froth of bigotry and paranoia.
This morning, while at the airport, I must have heard the following message about fifty times: “Keep your belongings in your possession at all times. Do not accept packages from unknown individuals. Unattended luggage is subject to search, seizure, and removal by airport security.” While certainly upbeat, this message is far from the propaganda tool it could be. I propose: “Keep your belongings in your possession at all times. Other people at this airport are trying to kill you. It’s highly likely that Muslims will put bombs in your carry-on baggage. If you can, try to peek into other peoples bags while they’re not looking.”
The other one I hear is: “Report suspicious individuals or activity to airport security.” What they mean is: “Trust no one. Especially keep an eye on those Muslims. When in doubt, assume they’re terrorists. Remember: good Christians don’t wear towels on their heads.”
And finally, “The current threat level is: Orange. Passengers and luggage are subject to inspection.” Where is Big Brother when you need him? Try this: “The current threat level is: Orange. An Orange threat level indicates a complete forfeiture of your privacy and civil liberties. Reporting thoughtcrime is doubleplusgood.”
And what’s with threat level Orange anyway? We live in a dynamic, confusing society. I refuse to believe that we can measure risk using only primary and secondary colors. I propose that today’s threat level is: Magenta, which indicates that there may be some risk, somewhere, but probably not here, but if so it probably comes from people who don’t look good and white like us.
On a side note, this quote comes directly off of the Homeland Security Advisory System webpage:
While there continues to be no credible information at this time warning of an imminent threat to the homeland, the department’s strategic threat perspective is that we are in a period of increased risk.
Did you get all that? Yes, there continues to be no credible information at this time warning of an imminent threat to the homeland. Where do I even begin…
Be safe out there, comrades.
Did you say hello to your single serving friends?