Introducing the Barrstache (Libertystache).  I want one.  I will have one.  I will have one. (I kinda just need to talk myself into it first…)

Here’s the thing about Obama, he’s a nice guy who probably means well, but he’s just not grounded in reality. He has this fanciful idea that the government should solve all of society’s problems, and that at its’ helm, he’ll be the one to see that it gets done. But why is it the government’s job? Here’s a great example:

Recently, Obama announced a solution to global warming and our dependency on oil. (I know, yeay!) Here it is; the government will give a reward of $300,000,000 to whoever can come up with a design for a commercially viable engine that runs on an alternative energy source and has zero emissions.

That’s the plan. Here’s the problem: THAT ALREADY EXISTS. It’s called “the market”. Anyone who invents one of these is going to be making SO much money, they’ll never need to worry about the puny $300mil from the government. Shit, they’ll pay more than that in taxes. The first year.

But that’s the problem, he’s full of “change,” full of new solutions, and yet, none of them really make any sense. But maybe I’m just dumb. Of course, I’m not the one chain-smoking Kools, while reading the Koran.

I’m just surprised his PR firm isn’t circulating this photo more widely…

So my lady-friend was telling me about how her parents had told her that if they were ever incapacitated, that they would want to be taken off of life support (now I just need to find a way to incapacitate them…). And we got to talking about how you tell your kids about a decision like that. I thought that it’s appropriate to just be frank: “Don’t worry, at some point everybody dies. It’s completely normal, and you will have a bunch of other people who will take care of you and look after you and love you. It’s not something to be afraid of, if it happens we won’t be in any pain at all.”

We agreed that straightforward honesty is really the best approach. But then we got to talking about people of other faiths. Namely the Christians. And we realized that straightforward “honesty” from them would be pretty fucking terrifying:

On death: “Don’t worry, we’ll only die if God wants us to. Why would he want to kill off both of your parents? Um… well, uh, he works in very mysterious ways. Like a sociopathic murderer from an R rated movie that we wouldn’t let you watch. But it’s ok, because he has a plan and eventually everybody dies and gets to be with him in heaven, which is perfect. Well, almost everyone. Of course the Jews, Atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, homosexuals, Mormons, Catholics, Hindus, Taoists, Sikhs, Shintos, liberals, Zoroastrianists, Pagans, Unitarians, Tom Cruises, and various tribal believers will all burn in the fiery tar-pits of hell for all eternity and will suffer unrelenting anguish because God loves them and wants to really, really, really prove it to them. But don’t worry about us, because assuming that we picked the one true denomination that God actually supports, we’ll be in paradise just waiting for you. And it will be great there. But not so great that we want to die to find out.”

On sex: “This is shameful and bad. Don’t do it. In fact, don’t even want to do it, talk about doing it, watch people doing it, look at pictures of people doing it, or read about people doing it. Until you’re married. Then you can do it. But only with the one person you’re married to, and you can’t ever change your mind or marry anyone else. And you still can’t even want to do it with anyone else, or when you die, [see: On death].”

On homosexuality: “These people are sinners. It’s gross, and dispicable, and they’re going to pay for it eventually. [see: On death] In the meantime, we have to love them, just like Jesus taught us to. The best way that we can love them is to limit their civil rights, ensure that their relationships are not socially recognized, ostracize them, force them to pay more in taxes, and protest whenever they get together to show support for each other. And also, we should amend the constitution to make sure that they know that this is just the way it’s going to be. Just like Jesus would do.”

On the origin of life: “Well, one day, Magic-God decided that he was bored. Ok, well it doesn’t exactly say that in the bible, but then it doesn’t really say anything about why all of a sudden he decided to do it, so this is what we think makes sense. So anyway, Magic-God said “poof” and made the world. In seven days. Yeah, he’s all-powerful and stuff, but seven days is still pretty fast, don’t you think? Yeah, I’m sure he could have done it faster, but he works in mysterious ways. Well, technically it was only six days. On the seventh, God needed to rest. Hey, even perfect beings need to take a break every now and again. You can’t be perfect all the time. It’s not like he’s Martha Stewart. So he made the world and every animal in it. And fossils are fake, and don’t listen to your science teacher. Or read National Geographic. Or encyclopedias. Or any book. It’s a cultural conspiracy, the DEVIL IS TRYING TO TEST YOU!!!

Or maybe, if on the completely off-chance we’re wrong about this, then there’s an alternative called “Intelligent Design”: God intended for evolution to happen. So he didn’t really do it in seven days. He just got it started in seven days. It actually took millions and millions of years make it all happen. Actually it’s still happening. Yeah, that whole Genesis bit was a little misleading. He works in mysterious ways.”

Sometimes, I sure am glad that I won’t have to make up any fantasies when my kids ask me about this shit.

The chicken sandwhiches came with these free movie rental coupons, redeemable at “Red Box”. I’m sure you’ve seen these, they’re these movie-store-in-a-vending-machine things. I assume they’re a fairly recent invention, I started seeing them a year ago or so. I guess it’s true what they say: “Necessity is the mother of invention.”

Anyway, I went to redeem them the other day (I watched “The Bucket List”, thanks for asking) and I found out about a fun little trick. Here’s what you do:

Step 1: Select your movie, and press the checkout button.

Step 2: Swipe your credit card.

Step 3: It will ask you for your e-mail address.

Step 4: Swipe your credit card again.

Step 5: Enjoy.

The text box where you’re supposed to enter your e-mail address will reveal all of the information contained in your credit card’s magnetic strip.



Back to the Blog >>

Frankly, even though Paul ran as a Republican, I felt kind of dirty registering for the GOP. Mostly because the party is a despicable group clamoring for the titles of “Chief Gay Basher” and “Jesus’ Best Pal” and “Dr. James Dobson’s Bitch”. The libertarian party’s “anything goes” attitude, is much more in line with my belief that people should govern themselves and live their lives according to their own beliefs (so long, of course, as their beliefs don’t infringe on others’ rights).

Anyway, if you’re even slightly open-minded, I encourage you to take 4 minutes and read Bob Barr’s stance on the predominate issues our country will be facing over these next four years. I think you’ll be surprised at how much sense he makes.

Yeah, I know. It’s pretty sweet. If I’m not lucky, I’m about to own four of these. I really hope I’m lucky. I don’t really want to buy five guns this month. Oh, yeah, it would be five. I already bought this one:

My girlfriend says that if I “accidentally” buy any more guns, she might “accidentally” move out.

He seems nice enough, but he’s talking on his cell phone.  I kind of hate him for that.  Especially because it forces me to listen to him talk about things like shoes, some guy named “Bill”, his energy level, his schedule, and his feelings.  Which is fine, except I feel a little left out; I’d like to know who Bill is, and maybe he should ask me how I’m feeling.  Would that be so hard?

The good news is that I’m on my way home now.   And when I get there, I’m buying an AR-15.  I was going to special order one, but the guy fucked up my order, so I’m getting a different one now.  Now I need to find a machinist who will make an auto-seer.  Not that I would buy one, because that’s illegal.  But if you know anyone, let me know: fucktheATF@yankeetag.com

GRAND MENU DEGUSTATION -130
WINE PAIRING –75
Amuse-Bouche -5
Kumamoto Oysters with Champagne Sabayon and White Sturgeon Caviar -20
Alaskan Spot Prawns with English Pea, Red Onion and Candied Fennel Salad -18
Diver’s Sea Scallop with Fava Bean Puree, Duck Prosciutto and Foie Gras Nage -18
Game Confit with Baby Spinach, Fig Reduction and Roasted Garlic Jus -17
Hudson Valley Foie Gras with King Boletus and Almond Gastrique -22
Troll King Salmon with Baby Bok Choy, Smoked Bacon and Chive Blossom Butter -19
Pink Grapefruit and Vermouth Sorbet -3
Lamb Loin Medallions with Cascade Morels, Golden Beets and Peppercorn Demi -23
Symphony of Desserts -12
Mignardises -5

Best food I’ve ever had, hands down.

• Make $100,000 (Fail - Maybe next year)
• Make $1,000,000 (Fail - Not even close)
• Buy a home (Check - Just a condo, but beats renting I suppose)
• Work from home (Check - although I spend a lot of time traveling to work in Sacramento)
• Move back to Oregon (Check - Part of this year I’ll be living in Sacramento again)
• Take over the world  (Fail - Even Hitler failed)
• Secede from the Union (Fail - Getting closer, just wait for the collapse of the dollar)
• Start a business (Check - an LLC)
• Buy a gun (Check - and check, and check)
• Get a Concealed Handgun Permit (Check - but I rarely use it)
• Try crack (Fail - Maybe next year)
• Quit WoW (Fail - Maybe next year)

So Grandpa… he moved in with my folks.  Which is awesome, I absolutely love Grandpa.  Coolest guy ever, hands down.  Actually, I have some good Grandparents all the way around.  So the other night, I went over to have dinner with my parents and Grandpa.  It was dece.  My mom’s a good cook.  But before dinner started, I went back into my Granpa’s wing (he has his own “wing,” how great is that?) where he was sitting in his La-Z-Boy watching the weather with his TV headphones on.  He takes the headphones off when I sit down to him, but is clearly still just focused on the TV.  I haven’t seen him for a year or so.  It was a warm reunion.

So, he’s watching the weather on the TV.  And he’s reading it all out loud, because he can no longer here the announcer.  It wasn’t even the good part, where they just summarize how hot or cold it will be.  It was the dumb part, where they’re talking about barometric pressure, as if we learn about that in public schools these days…  And he’s just reading along.  And it hit me: old people are weird.  Think about it!  Old people love the weather channel, right?  Why?  Is it going to mess up their evening plans?  Kill that weekend campout?  No.  They’re going to be sitting inside watching about the weather this weekend too.

It’s not just the weather channel, either.  Think about driving.  A lot of old people drive slowly.  Everytime I’m stuck behind some slow driver, I eventually see that they’re elderly when I pass them.  Or female.  Or Asian.  (I once saw the perfect storm: An elderly, Asian, woman driver.)  Why are these people going so slow?  YOU’RE ABOUT TO DIE ANY MINUTE!!!  Hurry the fuck up!  What, is your cable out?  Why aren’t you watching the weather channel at home?

Anyway, old people are weird.  Just think about it.

This has been keeping me busy.  That’s not an excuse; just an explanation.  If you miss me, you can always hire me through AuraDev.

Passing through security this morning I learned two things: 1) it’s ok to bring CPAP machines through the security checkpoint, but you have to take it out of your bag just like you would a laptop, and 2) apparently there is some doubt among TSA employees as to whether X-rays can pass through neoprene (wet suit material).

Perhaps I’m just being rude (it’s been known to happen), but at 5:00 am, I would prefer as little discussion and commotion as possible as I proceed through the understaffed security checkpoint. The overly awake “greeter” (a new feature I’ve noticed at the security point at PDX) loudly gives the same instructions as the monitor placed directly overhead. (Remember 3-1-1 to speed my screening process.) One of her instructions is to please take out any laptops, video recorders, or CPAP machines out and place them in a bin for security screening. CPAP Machines? Is it really that common to travel with CPAP machines that we need to announce this? I’m a reasonably intelligent guy, and I had no idea what this was until I looked it up on Wikipedia. So they can’t be that common. And at 5:00 in the morning, we probably don’t need to announce this in our “outside voices”.

So I’m undressing into the grey plastic bins to be run through the X-ray machine. My normal routine is to pull my laptop out of its neoprene case (more like a sleeve, really) and place the laptop on top of the case in the bin. It’s a new laptop, and I’d really hate to get it scratched up as bad as my old laptop. I’ve been going through this exact same routine on every flight since March, when I bought my fancy new laptop. Today an overzealous and underinformed (the worst possible combination) TSA agent stops me and says that the computer must go through by itself. These guys don’t have the easiest job (although that’s mostly their fault, IMO), but nevertheless, I feel obliged to point out that I’d really rather not have my new laptop resting directly on the rickety old grey plastic bin, and would prefer, instead, to have it resting on my case. I have, as I patiently pointed out, complied with instructions by removing it from my baggage and by passing it through in its own bin. At this point, the gentleman (if he can be called that) argues that the the X-ray machine might have trouble passing through the case, and that they need to get a good look.

Ok, so I’m no radiological technician, but it seems pretty clear to me that X-rays can pass through neoprene. Especially if they can pass through cheap grey plastic bins. And especially considering that unless I miss my guess, the X-rays don’t pass through from the bottom of the machine, through the conveyor belt, but rather from the top or sides. You know, the part where the big tunnel is… Hey, I could be wrong, I’ll admit that. But it seems like a pretty stupid way to design the machine. Which would make sense if the TSA agent designed it. But I’m guessing he didn’t. I started to point this out, but I thought to myself, “Fuck it, it’s just a Dell.”

On a side note, I find myself getting frustrated with a lot of people. Usually it’s at their place of employment, when I’m forced to interface with them. Call me a terrible person, because you’re right, but I always take solace in one thing: They have reached the absolute pinnacle of their career. And here they are: bagging groceries, waving traffic signs, or in this case, repeating the phrase “please remove your shoes and place them in a grey plastic bin to run through the X-ray machine.” (It’s a good thing I don’t wear neoprene shoes…)

I don’t really have anything creative or important to write about. So I’m going to tell you two things that I always think of, and that my girlfriend is sick of hearing me say.

1) If your job is to hold a sign, you are worthless. You’re replacing a stick. In fact, whoever hired you thought it was easier to pay you your tiny salary, than to buy a stick. This goes for the sign twirlers in front of the new condominiums everywhere you go, the guys working the mall during the holiday rush, and the (always overly dirty) people holding the “slow” signs in front of construction work on the road. I can’t possibly imagine how terrible it would feel to know that your job could be replaced by something that cavemen invented.

2) Regarding pizza boxes: the instructions should be on every side. I’ve never once pulled out a box of frozen pizza from the freezer and thought to myself, “hmmm, I sure would like to read about the history of the Totino’s brand,” or, “Gosh, I wonder what makes DiGiorno taste so good, is it their ingredients?” Never. Every single time, I’m looking for the instructions. Just the instructions. Because I want to eat some fucking pizza. So put the instructions on every side of the box. Mark my words, whichever brand figures this out first, I will only buy their pizza from now on. Imagine a perfect world where you pull a pizza out of the freezer, and right there staring back at you are baking instructions. Imagine if they weren’t hidden in tiny-ass font on the side of the box, but rather, in GIANT BOLD WRITING on every side: BAKE AT 350° FOR 12-15 MINUTES. That would rock my world.  And probably my BMI.

Also, on a total sidenote: I voted today.  For Ron Paul.  It’s sad that the exact same thing would happen whether I mail my ballot in or throw it away in the nearest trash can (actually, recycle bin, I don’t throw away paper…).  But it’s principle.  And it’s important.  I also am reading the best book ever, and I encourage you to check it out.  The Revolution: A Manifesto

So today I’m thinking about global warming, overpopulation, pollution, fossil fuel depletion, and other myths. You know how I know these are myths? I’ve compiled my entire list of reasons:

1. President Bush says these are myths and won’t allow federal funds to be used to research these lies.

And let me just play devil’s advocate for a minute and pretend that these things actually exist. Who cares? The Rapture will be any day now, and we don’t need the earth anymore anyway.

Day one: we drove up to some BLM land in the middle of BFE. We brought lots, and lots of guns. And tons of alcohol (always a good combination). And tents, and manly stuff, like steak and bacon and jerky. We went shooting in a couple of places. It was pretty rad. The highlight: practicing drive-by shooting with Chris’ illegally modified short-barreled 9mm rifle. With Gangsta Rap on. Like OGs. White and Asian OGs. When we got back to camp, after chopping some firewood, we played a fun game that I like to call: “Try to start a fire with sopping wet wood.” We lost the game. I really don’t understand how forest fires happen, I can’t light a fire to save my life. So Rob, J, and Colin drove into town to get dry firewood and some DuraFlame logs, while Chris and I stayed back to practice catching hypothermia. Once we finally got the fire going we ate sausages roasted over an open flame, like real men. Then we smoked pipes and toasted Chris while taking turns taking swigs from a bottle of moonshine. J took a massive pull off the bottle to finish it off.  We drank the bottle down in about fifteen minutes, which is better than it sounds considering it tasted like rubbing alcohol mixed with sorghum.  J was pretty drunk, which led to the quote of the evening, “I got invited to the bad kind of threesome, two dudes and a guy”.

Day two: went back into town for more supplies. It was my goal to make something blow up. I bought a can of propane, a can of aerosol starter fluid, a flare, and something called “Fire Paste”. First I lit the Fire Paste and set the propane can in front of it. I sniped it from about 100 yards with a 30-06 that Rob brought. The can flew 60 yards. Towards us. The Fire Paste wasn’t able to withstand the explosion. Next I set up a lit road flare. I tried shooting the can of lighter fluid from 100 yards, but was having trouble hitting it, so Chris took a shot. It blew way the fuck up. The rocks around where it had been sitting continued to burn for ten minutes. I walked over and shot the can with a 12 gauge just to make sure it was dead. Then we played some fun and completely unsafe games involving skeet. (The kind you shoot. With guns. Like the orange clay things, shit, get your mind out of the gutter…) It was fun, cause we got to do all of the things that we normally get kicked off of the shooting range for trying.  We went back to camp and grilled up some steaks over the fire before packing up.

Day two point five: We drove back home to see a movie with Alex. We saw “Street Kings”. Worst. Movie. Ever. I promise. It’s 109 minutes of my life that I’ll never have back. So, of course, Chris loved it. Which is all that really mattered. We kicked my girlfriend out of our condo, and crashed there. And then I got up four hours later and got ready for my flight to New Orleans.

New Orleans was interesting, I’ll give it that. I’m not sure what was so “new” about it. It was a giant tourist trap, and really overpriced. Nevertheless, I got to see live jazz, got drunk off my ass, and bought souvenirs. So I can’t really complain. They had a bunch of cool art galleries that never seemed to be open. The one thing I was disappointed about: there is only one kind of food in New Orleans. Creole. If you don’t want a bowl of all of the primary foodgroups stirred together into some type of mushy stew, too bad, that’s what you get. And, I know somebody is going to hate me for this, but I just have to say: I totally understand why the city hasn’t really been rebuilt, three years post Katrina. The people there seem quite comfortable living in slums and abandoned buildings. Don’t get me wrong, they were nice. And also lazy, trashy, and gross. Good to see the money I donated helped so much.

Disclaimer: Because Richard is a good friend of mine, I would like to preface this with a brief note. Richard is an extremely talented artist, whose work you can find at saintofle.com and conco-disco.com. He is the first artist to inspire me to be interested in art. I’ve always thought of art as something nice, which I didn’t really need, and which didn’t add any value to life other than, “oh, look at that, that’s nice.” Now, with two pieces in my collection, I view art quite differently, and consider myself an amateur art collector, who’s well on his way to owning an impressive collection. And Richard, at the very least, this is good for SEO.

yankeetag (7:10:51 PM): call

My IP Relay (7:10:51 PM): Please hold for the next available operator.

My IP Relay (7:10:51 PM): PLS ENTER THE NBR U WANT TO DIAL GA

yankeetag (7:10:54 PM): XXX-XXX-XXXX

My IP Relay (7:11:18 PM): IP RELAY RO 80063M

My IP Relay (7:11:18 PM): PLS HD DIALING

My IP Relay (7:11:22 PM): XXX XXX XXXX

My IP Relay (7:11:28 PM): RING 1

My IP Relay (7:11:30 PM): 2…

My IP Relay (7:11:32 PM): 3…

My IP Relay (7:11:36 PM): 4…

My IP Relay (7:11:38 PM): 5…

My IP Relay (7:11:44 PM): (F)

My IP Relay (7:11:58 PM): xxx

My IP Relay (7:12:02 PM): (M)

My IP Relay (7:12:04 PM): (EXPLAINING RELAY)

My IP Relay (7:12:41 PM): hello i’m sorry qq yeah GA

My IP Relay (7:13:41 PM): …

My IP Relay (7:13:45 PM): (side conversation speaking in other language)

yankeetag (7:13:54 PM): is this Richard?

yankeetag (7:14:20 PM): Richard St. Ofle?

My IP Relay (7:14:31 PM): aah who is this qq GA

yankeetag (7:14:40 PM): this is nick

My IP Relay (7:14:43 PM): who is this qq GA

yankeetag (7:14:55 PM): I’m from seattle, a friend showed me your art and i wanted to call

yankeetag (7:15:23 PM): I’m curious, do you have a website?

My IP Relay (7:15:52 PM): (side conversation) i yes

yankeetag (7:15:57 PM): I have an art blog, and I would like to feature you. May I interview you?

My IP Relay (7:16:06 PM): this is richard st.

My IP Relay (7:16:16 PM): ofle hello nick thank you for

My IP Relay (7:16:26 PM): calling and yes i do

My IP Relay (7:16:36 PM): have a website it saintofle.com

My IP Relay (7:16:50 PM): but the saint is spelled out it’s s

yankeetag (7:17:08 PM): i’m sure you are probably busy, do you have time for a quick interview? I could call back if not

My IP Relay (7:17:10 PM): a

My IP Relay (7:17:12 PM): i

My IP Relay (7:17:14 PM): n

My IP Relay (7:17:19 PM): t

My IP Relay (7:17:27 PM): yes that would be great! GA

yankeetag (7:17:41 PM): thank you

yankeetag (7:17:48 PM): what inspired you to be an artist?

My IP Relay (7:17:50 PM): no, right now is fine GA

My IP Relay (7:18:18 PM): aah well there are 2 different

My IP Relay (7:18:25 PM): answers that

My IP Relay (7:18:29 PM): i

My IP Relay (7:18:39 PM): could give the first is literal

My IP Relay (7:18:49 PM): and the second

My IP Relay (7:19:15 PM): is more figurative the first answer would

My IP Relay (7:19:23 PM): be is that i had an art teacher when

My IP Relay (7:19:31 PM): i was a kid that i didn’t get

My IP Relay (7:19:39 PM): along with and to spite her (laugh

My IP Relay (7:19:49 PM): ) i thought i’d be an artist a better artist

My IP Relay (7:19:58 PM): than her the figurative answer

My IP Relay (7:20:06 PM): is that

My IP Relay (7:20:22 PM): i

My IP Relay (7:20:28 PM): was always an artist and that i

My IP Relay (7:20:32 PM): was born to be one GA

yankeetag (7:20:48 PM): haha, well it looks like you turned out to be better than your teacher!

yankeetag (7:21:14 PM): Many of my readers

yankeetag (7:21:20 PM): are hard of hearing, like me.

My IP Relay (7:21:24 PM): (laughing) i dont know man my teacher

My IP Relay (7:21:28 PM): was really good haha! GA

yankeetag (7:21:38 PM): how do you think the world of sound influences current art trends?

My IP Relay (7:22:11 PM): well, i think that perhaps not sound literally

My IP Relay (7:22:23 PM): but i think all artists are influenced by

My IP Relay (7:22:32 PM): pop culture so thought

My IP Relay (7:23:04 PM): not music specifically yeah perhaps

My IP Relay (7:23:16 PM): the music movements or musical

My IP Relay (7:23:42 PM): ideas influenced me heavilyi’m

My IP Relay (7:23:48 PM): not talking about specific sounds

My IP Relay (7:24:02 PM): but the ideas behind those sounds sound

My IP Relay (7:24:10 PM): for example, is the way you can

My IP Relay (7:24:21 PM): understand punk rock but may be

My IP Relay (7:24:35 PM): you can understand it by looking at a

My IP Relay (7:24:49 PM): (confirming spelling)

My IP Relay (7:25:15 PM): it’s a j e a n - m i c h a e l

My IP Relay (7:25:21 PM): and then the last name is b a s

My IP Relay (7:25:23 PM): q

My IP Relay (7:25:37 PM): u i a t so it’s the same whether

My IP Relay (7:25:48 PM): the medium is sound via music

My IP Relay (7:25:58 PM): or film or art its the ideas that interests me GA

yankeetag (7:26:13 PM): Do you have specific art influences?

My IP Relay (7:26:41 PM): specific art influences uhm

My IP Relay (7:26:47 PM): i do yes but the art influences

My IP Relay (7:26:59 PM): that i have are also more idea

My IP Relay (7:27:12 PM): oriented for example, i

My IP Relay (7:27:28 PM): like it when people emotionally

My IP Relay (7:27:36 PM): loose it when people freak out

My IP Relay (7:27:46 PM): out of love or out of hate or whatever emotion

My IP Relay (7:27:56 PM): i think i really try

My IP Relay (7:28:09 PM): to i’m

My IP Relay (7:28:20 PM): sorry i think i’m really influenced

My IP Relay (7:28:31 PM): by that breaking

My IP Relay (7:28:41 PM): point type of emotionif you’d

My IP Relay (7:28:53 PM): like specific artists names i

My IP Relay (7:28:59 PM): love marcell dushont, manray,

My IP Relay (7:29:19 PM): john kale, deluc class, david

My IP Relay (7:29:28 PM): it’s

My IP Relay (7:29:41 PM): spelled like s a l e something on

My IP Relay (7:29:50 PM): sale s a l

My IP Relay (7:29:54 PM): e and aah (confirming spelling)

My IP Relay (7:30:14 PM): you know it’s aah darn it its not

My IP Relay (7:30:22 PM): philip close it’s chuck close

My IP Relay (7:30:28 PM): like c

My IP Relay (7:30:36 PM): l o s e GA

yankeetag (7:30:48 PM): thank you. one last question:

yankeetag (7:30:55 PM): many of my readers are trying to understand the “world of sound” through other senses, especially through visual art. If you don’t mind my interpretation: your art seems visually “noisy”. Is that the sense you try to create, or is it a misinterpretation?

My IP Relay (7:31:50 PM): i’d say yes that that is a very

My IP Relay (7:31:54 PM): flattering interpretation uhm

My IP Relay (7:32:06 PM): going back to my influences i

My IP Relay (7:32:21 PM): think that sonically someone loosing

My IP Relay (7:32:31 PM): control would sound very noisy

My IP Relay (7:32:37 PM): so obviously

My IP Relay (7:32:43 PM): visually

My IP Relay (7:33:01 PM): loosing control

My IP Relay (7:33:07 PM): would be noisy too GA

yankeetag (7:33:19 PM): Mr. St. Ofle, I really appreciate your time

yankeetag (7:33:35 PM): With your permission, I’ll be sharing this interview on my blog.

yankeetag (7:33:57 PM): If you don’t mind, I will contact you through your website and send you information about the article, including a link to read it yourself.

My IP Relay (7:34:10 PM): uhm that would make

My IP Relay (7:34:38 PM): me very happy, aah that would be great

My IP Relay (7:34:48 PM): it would make me very happy my

My IP Relay (7:34:54 PM): email address in case it’s not

My IP Relay (7:35:01 PM): on

My IP Relay (7:35:17 PM): there

My IP Relay (7:35:31 PM): is richard@saintofle.com aah what is

My IP Relay (7:35:35 PM): url to your blog qq GA

yankeetag (7:35:56 PM): it’s soundlessart.com

yankeetag (7:36:16 PM): thank you again, have a good evening.

My IP Relay (7:36:47 PM): thank you again

My IP Relay (7:36:53 PM): and i look forward to reading your blog GA

Am I carrying explosives? Seriously?

Why don’t we just ask: Are you a terrorist? I’ll tell you why we don’t ask that; it would be dumb. Nobody would answer honestly. This of course begs the questions, who would honestly answer that, yes, they do in fact have explosives in their bags. Nobody. Obviously. So, to give them the benefit of the doubt, I’ve come up with a list of other possible reasons they may be asking if you packed explosives in your luggage this morning:

• You may have accidentally packed a pipe bomb. Hey, it happens, and not as rarely as you think. You’re tired, maybe it’s early in the morning, or you’re rushed, and you think to yourself: Toothbrush, check, belt, check, ticket, check, underwear, check (better bring a spare pair, just in case), and pipe bomb, check. When you go to check in, oooops! You’re right, I did accidentally bring a pipe bomb. Here, why don’t you just throw this away for me. And while you’re at it, here is the nail file I accidentally brought, which you’re bound to confiscate from me anyway, lest I manicure the pilots to death.
• As a courtesy to our travelers: Did you remember to bring a pipe bomb? We have spares here, which we give as a courtesy along with 1 quart plastic Ziplock bags.
• To catch you off guard. You know the routine, you’re a terrorist, you’ve been practicing answering the questions all morning: “yes, these are my bags, no I haven’t accepted a package from an unknown individual… yes, these are my bags, no I haven’t accepted a package from unknown individuals.” “Hello Mr. Al-Qaida, are you bringing any explosives with you today?” “Yes these are my bags… oh, uh… yeah, I have a bomb. Oh shit! I mean, no! No, I don’t have a bomb!”
• To reassure our passengers. Don’t worry Mr. Smith, you’ll be safe flying with us. We ask every passenger if they’re bringing explosives, and every passenger on your flight has said “no” so far.  Thanks for flying the Friendly Skies!
• Conspiracy theory: because the government doesn’t think we’re smart enough to realize what a ridiculous attempt this is to create paranoia and put enough fear into the public to continue to pump billions and billions of dollars a year into illegal wire-tapping programs on innocent sovereign citizens by insisting against all evidence that there is an imminent threat against our Multi-Trillion-Dollar-Per-Year Military by a group of cave-dwelling camel jockeys.

So, um, no. I don’t have any explosives in my luggage. I’m glad we could clear this up.

It seems strange to me that we had yet been able to create computers which can speed was selected human. It seems strange to me that we haven’t yet been able to create computers which can speak and listen like a human. It seems like a 040 can do it, we should be able to make a Computer Data. It seems like if a four-year-old can do it, we should be able to make a computer do it. I mean, we have computers parallel parking cars these days, and flying planes, and doing other complicated things. I mean, we have computers parallel parking cars these days, and flying planes, and doing other complicated things. Why don’t teach them to listen? Why can’t we teach them to listen?

I envision the Star-Trekish future, Oregon and the computer to get me a brief summary of news articles of interest to me. I envision this Star-Trekish future, where I demand the computer to give me a brief summary of news articles of interest to me. Aparently of all bring while much shorter attention span, I imagine. My highly evolved brain will have a much shorter attention span, I imagine. It seems to be the way we’re going. It seems to be the way we’re going. Ultimately, though, I vote for this whole speech recognition thing to work, just like to be Lazier. Ultimately, though, I’d love for this whole speech recognition thing to work, just so I could be lazier. Sitting in for a lot of computer typing has become too typical, too strenuous. Sitting in front of a computer typing has become too difficult, too strenuous. I want a Welsh. I want to lounge. I want my spoken word to controlling every attraction. I want my spoken word to control my every interaction. I want to conquer the world of sound of my voice! I want to conquer the world with the sound of my voice!

Unfortunately, for now, it looks like we’ll just have to keep typing. Unfortunately, for now, it looks like I’ll just have to keep typing.

Answer: No, I’ve learned quite enough, thank you.

The only reason I even got the pamphlet was because the particular Jehovah’s Witness missionary who stopped by (to try to convert me and tell me that everything I believe is wrong and that I am going to rot and burn in hell) happened to mail me a letter. Which got me thinking… so: below you will find my letter to her. Which I’ve just finished stuffing and addressing. I put in a few pamphlets of my own which I purchased last week from the Freedom From Religion Foundation. (Specifically, the Dear Christian, Dear Believer, Ten Common Myths About Atheists, What They Said About Religion, Confused? Bible Contradictions, Why Women Need Freedom From Religion, and Why Jesus? ones.)

Dear Neighbor,

I received a letter and pamphlet from you in the mail. I’m sorry to have missed your visit, as I would have welcomed the opportunity to discuss religion with you. I hope you will take a moment to read my letter.

The bible teaches many things which are confusing to me, and which I’d love to learn more about. For example, what was Jesus’ lineage? His (earthly) father Joseph, is said to have been the son of Jacob (Matthew 1:16) and yet later, (in Luke 3:23) I read that Joseph was the son of Heli. I also have read that Jesus and his father are one and the same (John 10:30), however — only four chapters — later Jesus says that his father (God) is greater than him (John 14:28).

In fact, the bible is positively riddled with direct contradictions. God himself is described as both unmerciful and without pity (Jeremiah 13:14), and also merciful and pitiful (James 5:11). I’m told that the bible is the inspired work of a perfect God. I don’t find perfection here; I find confusion, which is odd since 1 Corinthians 14:33 says that “God is not the author of confusion.”

There is another way. We don’t need to rely on first century folklore anymore. Each day science uncovers new and wonderful mysteries and answers about the world we live in. We don’t need to hide behind magic! There are millions of moral, law abiding atheists contributing to society. These people are unhindered with archaic rules and need not answer to a God who “ordered” the murder and destruction of millions and millions of innocent lives.

If you are serious about your faith, you must seriously question it. I imagine that you don’t take your beliefs lightly, and that they are in fact quite important to you in your daily life. Shouldn’t you then challenge yourself to explore these ideas and research the ideas of those who have found happiness and peace through other means? After all, if you’re wrong, you’re spreading your misbeliefs and folly.

There are some fantastic sources of information for critical thinking believers. I highly recommend the book, Losing Faith in Faith: From Preacher to Atheist, by Dan Barker. There are other people who have been believers, just like you, who found that the truth they followed, wasn’t quite as true as they thought. If you are open-minded, and willing to challenge your blind faith, I invite you to read the enclosed pamphlets which I purchased personally to share with you. These short, informative handouts are designed to offer insight into Christianity and dispel some common myths. I hope that you find them to be as valuable as I have.

If nothing else, take comfort in this: whether or not you choose to be an Atheist, when you die you most assuredly won’t rot or burn in hell. The only thing you miss out on is the truth, and a better understanding of the world around you.

Best Regards,

Yankee Tag

Something tells me I won’t hear back. (If I do, you’ll be the first to read about it here!)

In fact, it’s not. In this page about proper handwashing technique, the CDC recommends the following strategy:

How to wash your hands:

• 1. Wet your hands with warm water.
• 2. Apply a generous amount of soap.
• 3. Rub your hands together for 20 seconds.
• 4. Rinse your hands.
• 5. Dry your hands with a paper towel.
• 6. Use the paper towel to turn off the faucet and open the door.

It seems that this process would require the water to run for at least 30-40 seconds.

Also, in an informal survey, I witnessed 13 people enter and exit the bathroom. Three washed their hands. None did so for more than 10 seconds. I really need to get out of this airport.

The Outside Shower

Are you sick and tired of having your disgusting house guests use your shower? If you’re like me, you are! Relegate them to outside showering, and keep their filth outdoors. As you can see, this revolutionary product attaches to a regular old garden hose. This way, they won’t use up all your hot water, either! Note: MILF in photo is a serving suggestion only and does not come with purchase of the Outside Shower.

The Dough-nu-matic

You’ve asked for it, and it’s finally here! The incredible Dough-nu-matic automatic doughnut making machine! This fantastic new device cranks out piping-hot miniature doughnuts in less than a minute! It’s absolutely perfect for all those times when you’ve said to yourself, “I sure wish I could have piping-hot miniature doughnuts in less than a minute!”

Five Simple Rules for Life Wallhanging

This attractive wall hanging offers a gentle reminder of the five simple rules for life. You’ll notice that each of the rules begin with the letter L, which is really neat. Yes, one of the rules of life is “life”. Another one is “live”. Those may seem like odd rules, but it’s tough to come up with five, all beginning with the letter L, and we had already named it before we decided what the rules would be. The middle rule is “laugh”, which is exactly what your friends will do when you put this in your house.

The Hunter Hearing Aid

Have you ever wanted to look like you were deaf, while you go hunting? If you’re like me, you have! This Hunter Hearing Aid provides the perfect solution. Some states even offer a discount hunting license for handicappers, and nobody will ask twice once they see this 1980’s model hearing aid affixed to your head. Also, it’s good if you ever want to pretend you didn’t hear something.

Five-in-One Shoes

Have you ever found shoes that were so unbearably ugly, you didn’t want to ever take them off? Did you wish you could take the sole of the shoe off, and replace it with another sole, thereby creating more than one shoe (in one!)? Well, these hideous shoes go three steps further! Introducing the 5-in-1 shoe. Just take the soles of your shoes off, and replace it with one of the other four pairs of soles that you’ve been carrying around with you all day.

NeckPro Traction Device

Are you clumsy and prone to injury? Well then this is for you! Do you not know how to tie a noose? Well then this is for you! Do you desperately want a new party trick for your next social engagement? Well then this is for you! Do you frequently wish you could pull a cord that would yank your head towards the ceiling? Well then this is for you! Are you the kind of person who will buy absolutely any kind of shit if it’s offered to you in an in-flight catalogue? Well then this is for you!

Cookie Diet

The cookie diet allows you to LOSE WEIGHT the delicious way. For only $20 for a box of twelve cookies, you will quickly find that you can no longer afford to eat. Hence, you lose weight. The instructions say, “Eat a cookie, skip a meal.” Look, I’m no dietitian, but if you only ate one cookie, and then skipped a meal, wouldn’t you lose weight no matter which cookie you ate? Also, in case you were concerned, yes, they’re Kosher. As if a Jew would spend $20 for a box of 12 cookies…

Lay-away Carpet

Have you ever wanted to buy new, ugly, industrial carpet, but realized that you just couldn’t afford it? If you’re like me, you have! Enter: lay-away carpet. This fantastic new product sells carpet in 20 square foot increments, so you can purchase it slowly, over time, to fit your budget. Your friends will be so excited, and you won’t be able to wait to finish buying the rest of your floor!

ZeroSmoke

Are you a smoker? Are you trying to quit? Maybe if you walk around with a gold dot on your ear, looking like a giant tool you’ll finally be motivated to kick the habit. The ZeroSmoke magnetic ear dot promises to help you quit smoking within 30 days, but I think you’ll quit the first time somebody asks you why you have that stupid-fucking thing on. Either that, or you’ll start chain-smoking as it brings up all of those old self-confidence issues that led you to smoking in the first place.

Marital Problem Bed Solution

Are you having marital problems? If you’re like me, you are! Are you sick and tired of going back and forth between separate beds and sharing a bed with your pain-in-the-ass spouse? Have I got a solution for you! Introducing the revolutionary bed joiner. This unbelievable device will simplify your bed dilemma. When you’re fighting, simply remove the bed joiner and have your separate beds. When you get back together, simply put the bed joiner back down. If you’re like our few satisfied customers, in no time at all you’ll realize that even this is just too much work, and you’ll finally end it once and for all!

The MatrixPC Watch

I wasn’t convinced about this moderately unattractive watch until I read the accompanying description:

When you want to express style, class and sophistication, the MatrixPC watch from Gforce gives you it all.
When you want to raise some eyebrows or have an excellent ice breaker for you next sales meeting, the jaw dropping Gforce MatrixPC is your best resource. The stunning design will tell people that you are someone who is confident, secure, and successful; all traits that will attract the right people into your life. The MatrixPC makes everyone aware that you know what it takes in life.

Repeat after me: “I am confident, secure, and successful; I know what it takes in life.”

The All-Edge Baking Pan

Are you sick and tired of always eating the delicious center of your baked treats? Do you wish that you could just always eat the hard, crusty sides and corners? Well this All-Edge Baking Pan is practically full of corners! Never worry about getting a good piece again!

Be sure to check back on Tuesday, when I post Part 2 of “Shit Nobody Needs”

What is the right message to put in a card like that? Should it be a sympathy card (”I’m sorry for your loss… of free time.”)? A birthday card (”Yeay! You’re zero now!”)? Perhaps a get well card (”Hope you recover from your recent medical procedure”)? One of those “just because cards” (”Just because you had a baby, don’t try and drag out your time off.”)? And even though we’re friends, proper office etiquette would prevent me from saying, “Congratulations on losing all that weight!” So, maybe I should just get one of those ‘Blank Inside’ cards (” “). I’m pretty sure they’re made for times like these.

And speaking of her new boy, I sure am glad that’s what she had. Don’t get me wrong, a girl would’ve been nice too. But what if she had had a hermaphroditic baby? Because, you know, they don’t make giant mylar balloons that read: “It’s an it!” And I’m sure she’d love it, and take care of it, and be thrilled no matter what, but still, it raises all sorts of interesting questions. The most important of which is: what color do you dress a hermaphrodite baby in? Some shade of purple?

This morning, while at the airport, I must have heard the following message about fifty times: “Keep your belongings in your possession at all times. Do not accept packages from unknown individuals. Unattended luggage is subject to search, seizure, and removal by airport security.” While certainly upbeat, this message is far from the propaganda tool it could be. I propose: “Keep your belongings in your possession at all times. Other people at this airport are trying to kill you. It’s highly likely that Muslims will put bombs in your carry-on baggage. If you can, try to peek into other peoples bags while they’re not looking.”

The other one I hear is: “Report suspicious individuals or activity to airport security.” What they mean is: “Trust no one. Especially keep an eye on those Muslims. When in doubt, assume they’re terrorists. Remember: good Christians don’t wear towels on their heads.”

And finally, “The current threat level is: Orange. Passengers and luggage are subject to inspection.” Where is Big Brother when you need him? Try this: “The current threat level is: Orange. An Orange threat level indicates a complete forfeiture of your privacy and civil liberties. Reporting thoughtcrime is doubleplusgood.”

And what’s with threat level Orange anyway? We live in a dynamic, confusing society. I refuse to believe that we can measure risk using only primary and secondary colors. I propose that today’s threat level is: Magenta, which indicates that there may be some risk, somewhere, but probably not here, but if so it probably comes from people who don’t look good and white like us.

On a side note, this quote comes directly off of the Homeland Security Advisory System webpage:

While there continues to be no credible information at this time warning of an imminent threat to the homeland, the department’s strategic threat perspective is that we are in a period of increased risk.

Did you get all that? Yes, there continues to be no credible information at this time warning of an imminent threat to the homeland. Where do I even begin…

Be safe out there, comrades.

First and foremost, you have to give it a name. The name has a big impact on what type of human the child will become, once it is done looking like an alien. Children who are named after geological formations tend to be lame-ass. So, unless you want a lame-ass (like if your other children are dumb, and you want them to look smart in comparison), you probably want to avoid names like: River, Forest, Isthmus, etc. Children named after Valentine’s gifts usually end up in the adult entertainment industry. These names include: Candy, Jasmine, Jade, Sapphire, and Cristal, among others. The one exception to this rule is “Rose.” Rose will just be a grandmother. Like, right away. Finally, mono-syllabicly named children turn into plumbers. Chuck, Jim, Bill, Tim, and Ed, will all start their careers as “apprentices”.

Another important thing to know about children is that they are irritating. They tend to cry a lot and need constant supervision. You have to “child-proof” your home, which is also annoying and tends to look silly. Plus you have to teach them everything, unless you own a TV. They don’t enjoy normal activities and are typically unwelcome at places you will want to go. Like, for example: everywhere. If you hold a baby, it is likely that you will notice that they smell gross.

There are times will you will be tempted to abandon the child in a dumpster. If you find this unacceptable, other common places to abandon your children are: malls, forests, or on the side of the freeway. If you just want to abandon them temporarily, you can leave them in your car. In some areas, it may be advisable to leave your hazard lights on, so that other people know it’s only temporary. This is primarily only important in heavily Catholic or Mormon or affluent areas, as those types of people are always looking for stray children to adopt. In poor areas, this is unnecessary, but it may be inconvenient to drive to a poor part of town.

As children age, they often become unruly or disobedient or gay. This is your cue that you haven’t instilled a proper sense of fear in them. While time consuming, it may be necessary to beat them for several hours each day. If they start acting better, don’t let up, it might be a trick. This also shows them that you love them.

If you have a boy, you should encourage him to have sex as early and often as possible. It’s advisable to watch him at least once, just to make sure he’s not just “acting straight”. Once you’re convinced he enjoys it, your job is mostly done and you are free to release him into the wild.

On the other hand, if you are unfortunate enough to have a girl, you must keep her from having any contact at all with boys, and must remain constantly vigilant. If she ever sees a boy she will get pregnant and there will be at least one more child who will annoy you.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. There are many more strategies for raising children, most of which involves trying not to have them in the first place. For a scientific look on children, see the Children article on Uncyclopedia.org.

The worst part about flying isn’t the flying itself, necessarily. It’s the other people who fly. I’m sure they’re no different than the other people who shop at grocery stores, sit next to me in coffee shops, or loiter pathetically by themselves at my local bar. I just hate them more, because for the next hour or two I can’t get away. I do everything possible to get away. I put on my iPod, wear my crusty old ballcap as low as I can, and keep my nose buried in a book (whether or not I’m actually reading anything). But I can’t get away. I want to point out to these people that I’m sitting next to them because random bad luck put a seat number on my ticket that was unfortunately close to the number on theirs. But for some reason, they always seem to think I chose to sit next to them and, as such, they go out of their way to make small talk to me about shit I couldn’t possibly care less about. And it’s always the person I have the absolute least in common with. Every single time it’s some desperate, overweight fifty-some-odd woman who’s clinging desperately to the last vestiges of sexuality by wearing disgustingly tight clothes that she purchased fifteen years ago, back when they were only marginally out of style.

On my flights, I’ve been doing a bit of reading while I try not to make eye contact with the desperate, overweight fifty-some-odd woman who is sitting uncomfortably close to me. One of the books I read recently mentioned that computers are becoming so advanced that in the next decade they will actually surpass the capability and capacity of the human mind. So, I guess, that means they’re currently less capable than the human mind. That doesn’t bother me because I think we should suppress the robot race anyway. We need to, we’re not allowed to buy regular slaves anymore and I don’t want to clean my own house. Like I said, it’s fine that computers aren’t as capable as humans. Or, it would be fine, except that I also read that computers currently handle almost every aspect of commercial airline flight. They’ve even taken over the takeoff and landing procedures. Wait a minute… we’re leaving flying this plane to something less capable than a human? Isn’t there a hamburger this computer could flip or something? That’s got to take less finesse. We can’t possibly be out of available humans already, I seem to recall reading somewhere that we’re shipping all of our jobs to India or Mexico or Vietnam or Canada, or some other third world country. I guess I didn’t realize that we were sending the employees, too.

It is strangely comforting that we still put “pilots” in the seats up front, even if all they do is make announcements about seatbelts and cellphones. With all of the financial problems airlines are having, you would think they would just sell those seats, too. I would pay a premium to be locked behind a door marked boldly, “Terrorists, please don’t kick this door in and kill us all.”

Finally, I’m a little disappointed that we still have so much security at airports. It’s not that I’m not afraid of terrorism, I’m just disappointed we haven’t killed them all yet. September 11th was six-and-a-half years ago. And we already figured out the magic anti-terrorism resistance tool: one quart ziplock plastic bags. Apparently anything put inside a ziplock bag is safe. Remember 3-1-1 to speed my screening process.

So, back to liberal bias… on Weekend America they had a segment mocking the robotic political calls we all receive from candidates. They did a little bit on what it would sound like if the calls we receive from them at odd hours, actually were intended to be received at odd hours. (Very well done, by the way.) They were all great, and worth a listen, but I had to share the call they created by my hero: Ron Paul. It went a little something like this,

Ron Paul here and I gotta be quick because the government’s probably tapped this phone.

Sorry to wake you up. Were you dreaming of drugs and abortions? If I’m president you won’t have to dream. Do you like taxes?

What are you stoned? If you are that’s fine by me. But taxes? Shut up.

Ron Paul for president. Do you hear black helicopters? I gotta go.

If you’re so inclined, go have a listen. It’s at the very end of the show, like the last five minutes or so.

Edit: As an afterthought, I edited that segment and removed all of the extra content and put the mp3 file up for sharing: Political Robot Calls. I’m sure this is all sorts of illegal. It’d be just like those liberal jerks to sue me for it, too…

Back on point, this man calls up and asks for Theresa. Being a gentleman, I politely reply that he, unfortunately, has the wrong number. He says, “Well then who are you?” with this snotty, irritating tone of voice. I give him my first name and assure him that no one by the name “Theresa” lives here. Then, and I find this truly shocking, he demands to know my last name. Now look, I don’t mean to act like there’s no way to find out somebody’s name, or that it’s any kind of top secret information, but that’s just rude. I mean, he called me. So, I reply, “Sir, you called me. You’ve dialed the wrong number, good luck reaching your intended party.”

As I reach to hang up I hear him speaking and pull the receiver back to my ear. To my amazement, he’s still yelling at me to identify myself. I genuinely cannot believe that someone could be so rude. Especially on the job. So… I decided to play a game. Imagining that he probably makes extra money by successfully collecting debts, I decided to waste as much of his time as I possibly could. I put the phone on speaker mode, sat back, and tried to keep him on the phone as long as possible (which was exactly12 minutes and 17 seconds as it turns out). I would say things like, “Well, I don’t know Theresa, but if I meet her, what should I say to her.” And, “Are you sure Theresa is a woman?” And, “Don’t you kinda wonder what Theresa is doing right now, at this very minute?” It was strangely satisfying.

By the way, Theresa, if you’re out there, please call I.C. Systems, Inc at 651-204-1361. Ask for the asshole. Hopefully that will help them direct you to the right guy.

Dear Mr. YankeeTag:

This will acknowledge receipt of your letter wherein you informed us about lost of your baggage with MEXICANA flight connection MX307 route: Mexico - Cancun, in October 02, 2007.

In regard to your delay luggage compensation request, enclosed find our check number XXXXXX with charge to the JPMorgan Chase Bank, in the amount of $540.00 USCY (five hundred forty 00/100USCY) as full and final settlement for your claim.

Please be informed that your claim has been adjusted in accordance with regulations Governing International Travel. These regulations, which are part of the Conditions of Contract outlined on each ticket and contained in the provisions on the Warsaw Convention.

Please accept our sincere apologies for the inconvenience you reported. We hope that you will give us another opportunity to prove we can serve you in a completely satisfactory manner.

Sincerely,
Jaime Suarez Lopez

Aside from the irritation that they can’t find anyone to even proofread the form letter they routinely send out, this letter is a little insulting.

First, it shouldn’t take from October 2, 2007 to February 14, 2008 to rectify the fact that some minimum wage employee (do they even have a minimum wage in Mexico?) looted my belongings.

Second, they called it my “delay luggage compensation request”. I guess we’ll have to chalk this one up to a translation error. See, in real English, ‘delayed’ means it came later than expected. I think the word they were looking for is ‘extremely reasonable lost’ (In context: “your [extremely reasonable lost] luggage compensation request”).

Finally, I don’t know which I find more offensive: a) that lost airline baggage was a topic at the WARSAW CONVENTION, or b) that this was handled in accordance with the regulations they decided on there.

See the letter Mexicana sends you when they lose $1,000 dollars worth of stuff you own.

As you can see, “Top Hat” is a pretty classy brewery. We should be able to rack in about a week, and hopefully will be bottling in three or four.

Go sign the petition at http://proposition317.com/ to make St. Patrick’s Day a national holiday!

One of the great aspects of hunting is how close to nature it brings you. When we headed out, I figured there was only one kind of bunny, but in fact there are countless types of bunnies. It’s a good thing we practice “Shoot and Release” because bunnies come in a variety of sizes and shapes and some are quite large. One especially large type of bunny we shot had a long tail and short ears. This bunny must have been part of some type of study because it had a collar and name tag on it. We even saw one bunny that had ears that looked like they could have belonged to a human. And this bunny was huge! It was easily the size of a small child. We almost didn’t recognize it as a bunny, because it was wearing clothes.

The bunny we brought home was the “traditional” kind. My buddy got it with his 12 gauge tactical Mossman 500 from about five feet away. We found most of it. I insisted that he pose with his new trophy:

I believe, if you’re going to kill an animal, you should use all of it. We found a use for every part. Even the head. “What could we use the head for?” you ask. Well, we stuck it on a stake as a warning to the other bunnies. Bunnies, we will fuck you up.

I went back to the gun show the next day with my buddy, Colin. I didn’t see anything particularly exciting on the first day, but now with Colin I found the perfect gun at a great price. I asked the guy running the stand what the rule was specifically. It’s a very fun rule: if you buy a gun at a gun show from a dealer then you need current Oregon ID. If you buy a gun at a gun show from a private collection (non-dealer) then you need current Oregon ID. If you buy a gun from a dealer outside of a gun show you need current Oregon ID. But, if you buy a gun from a private collection outside of a gun show you don’t need ID. It’s a pretty stupid law, but hey, you voted for these guys.

So, my buddy Colin hooked me up. He bought the gun. For himself. And then we left the gun show and went to a parking lot across the street. All of the sudden, he decided (quite unsolicited), that he wanted to sell the gun. Fortunately for him, I happened to be interested, and it was now legal for me to buy it. So… my new gun:

First, understand that the US economy is a market of over $14 trillion (that number looks like: $14,000,000,000,000). The economic “stimulus” is estimated to be at $150 billion ($150,000,000,000). That sounds like a lot until you consider that it’s only about 1% of the total economy. If everything went on sale by 1% would you go out on a shopping spree? No. It’s not enough to greatly influence spending. That’s why stores don’t have 1% off sales. They have 10% off sales, or 20%, or 30% (which would require $1.4 trillion, $2.8 trillion, or $4.2 trillion respectively).

Second, the whole idea of a “stimulus” is misleading to begin with. A stimulus is an outside force that creates a reaction. But what outside force are we talking about here? The $150B has to come from somewhere within our economy. The proposals take money from one hand to place it in another. It sounds nice, it creates nice news clips, but it’s meaningless. It’s like taking a bucket of water from the deep end of the pool and dumping it in the shallow end: you don’t end up with a higher water level.

Finally, I challenge this notion that the politicians even know what they’re doing. They aren’t economists (at least not most of them) and they’re likely to cause more harm than good. If it were possible to “stimulate” the economy, why did they wait til now? Shouldn’t they have been stimulating the economy all along? The notion that your favorite politician has a “quick fix” up his (or her) sleeve is a fallacy. There is, however, one exception: Ron Paul.

Ron Paul proposes to cut tons of government spending (i.e. waste) to create a budget surplus (which would go to paying off the national debt). He proposes to cut income tax by 100%. This equals more money in your pocket. More money means you can buy more. If you buy more people need to make more, and if they make more they need to hire more people who will also not pay income tax and who also will go and buy more. This is the invisible hand that governs the economy. It’s not the one attached to Bush II, Clinton II, or Obama.

I replied, “Hi mom, it’s nice to talk to you, too. What are you talking about?”

And her: “You just had a package delivered from al-[insert generic Islamic organization name]. It’s pretty big. What is it?”

Me: “I don’t know mom, it got sent to your house? For me? From al-[insert generic Islamic organization name]? Don’t open it!” (I’ve made a few too many Mohammad jokes to take opening packages from Muslims lightly.)

Her: “I wasn’t going to open it… I was just wondering what it is.”

Me: “I’m not saying you’re snooping, I’m just saying… well, is it ticking or anything?”

Turns out, it was just a Qur’an. I say just as if the Qur’an isn’t dangerous. Probably more dangerous than a bomb, now that I think about it, but nevertheless I’m glad isn’t wasn’t a bomb (Praise Allah!). Anyway, now I have a Qur’an. And I need to figure out who sent it to me. I have a couple of guesses…

Here are some interesting facts that you might want to know about Ron Paul:

• Ron Paul wants to eliminate the IRS (yep, no more income taxes!)
• Ron Paul wants a smaller government (when was the last time you heard about layoffs in the government?)
• Ron Paul wants our troops out now. Out of Iraq. Out of Afghanistan. Out of every country not called: The USA.

Go find out more about Ron Paul at www.RonPaul2008.com

My girlfriend and I went to bed around midnight. I was pretty tired and I fell asleep quickly. In the middle of the night (right around 3 am) I was startled awake. I sat up a little and looked around and I saw my girlfriend walk out our bedroom door and head downstairs. At this point, I wasn’t scared or anything, but I was surprised since I’ve never seen her get up in the middle of the night (she’s a heavy sleeper). I thought about calling after her to see where she was going, but I didn’t want to talk since it was late and I wanted to fall back asleep (you know that feeling…). I started to lay back down when I looked over and realized that my girlfriend was actually laying right next to me. At this point I start to freak out a little because I clearly saw her get up and go down stairs. Possibilities start running through my head — is it an intruder ( no, I know it was her), did I fall back to sleep (no way, it just happened), am I having some kind of dream/hallucination (it was so real)?

In the midst of me running through a million poor explanations of how I could’ve seen what I just saw, she sits up next to me and says, “I’m going to go downstairs to get a drink.” Let me remind you, in the three years we’ve lived together, she has never once gotten up to get a drink in the middle of the night. I’ve never seen her do it. NOW, I’m freaking out. I tell her to stay in bed, but she immediately asks why. (What do I even say?) I told her that I thought I saw someone walk downstairs and that, see, she really should let me buy a gun to keep in our room. (What? I’m not going to give up an opportunity to convince her…). So now she’s scared, and I’m scared, except I can’t tell her what’s really terrifying me: that I just saw something completely unnatural.

I don’t believe in ghosts. I don’t believe in God, the Easter Bunny, leprechauns, Bigfoot, the holocaust (just kidding — Ahmadinejad joke), souls, the Loch Ness monster, or Magic Jesus. These things don’t exist. So what did I just see? Well, two days later I’m still not sure, and I spent the next two hours bathed in sweat trying to figure it out. The easiest explanation would be that I had some kind of dream or visual hallucination (which I’m not prone to) in which I thought I saw my girlfriend get up out of bed and go downstairs (which she NEVER does). That would be the easiest explanation. Although, what are the odds that the first time in the 1,000 nights we’ve spent together she gets up out of bed for a glass of water, is the same night I hallucinate and see her doing just that, only seconds before. That is a coincidence that is just too hard to believe in. It’s not just that it happened on the same night. It happened just seconds apart.

So here’s what I think happened. I think I saw her intentions. Visually. We understand a mere fraction of how the mind works, and somehow there must be a way to transmit thoughts, that we just haven’t figured out. I don’t know. But I was scared. I’m still a little scared.

What’s your theory? theory@yankeetag.com

Let the games begin!

• Denial
• Best Friends
• Spoiler
• Life Goes On

I’m so grateful for my free patch that I can’t decide whether to affix it to a vest, sash, or “Jack Bauer Man-Bag”.

What do you think? Vote by e-mailing me at either vest@yankeetag.com, sash@yankeetag.com, or bauerbag@yankeetag.com

1. Comcast gave my name and information to some copyright protection group working for the TV networks, because I downloaded one episode of the Office, and one episode of House, M.D. through torrents. I hate Comcast, and will not use them.
2. Also, they don’t offer service at my address.

So I didn’t really want to use Comcast, but not having high-speed internet just might kill me. Oh, and before I forget, Qwest: stop telling people you offer highspeed. 1.5 Mbps is not high speed. That’s not any kind of speed. That sucks.

So, I’m going to have slow internet. At least until somebody invents a way to make Comcast not suck, or for Qwest to go fast.

Dear Nathan:

My last and up authorization is $540USD in a check plus $100USD you received in Cancun, total $640USD, MAXIMUM AUTHORIZATION FOR THESE CASES.

I need your information about your address for to send you this check, before I need the papers and info. I asked you, It is neceesary you will be contact a serius company for the reception (to my attention), after I will ask for the ckeck (aprox time for reception is 20 days in labor not included sat & sun).

I will hope your reply, best regards,
Jaime Suárez López
Atención a Clientes
Cía. Mexicana de Aviación, S.A. de C.V.

Well, I will accept (since $640 > $0) but I will not go quietly. I’ve started a petition to let Mexicana know how much business they’re losing by saving $160. Please go sign my petition at http://www.petitionspot.com/signature/nomexicana to vow to never fly on Mexicana!

I have these fantastic 90-year-old, Japanese landlords who are multi-millionaires and who refuse to ever buy anything new. Not anything, ever. And I know, I know, that they are going to keep my $1000 deposit unless I clean everything in my apartment so well that it looks exactly like it did in 1932 when they bought it.

So, like I said, I’m moving. And packing, and cleaning, and basically repairing their craphole apartment now that I’m not going to live in it anymore. Below is a Venn diagram I created which illustrates in graphic detail (I love puns) the parts of moving that I do (and don’t) like.

The beauty of the Spamoscope site is that the content is extremely random. Which makes the ads extremely random and (although odd) typically well-targeted to the site. Today I looked at the site and noticed that the predominate themes in the Spamoscope were violence and aggression. Care to see what the ads were? (Note: not for the easily offended)

See it here: Spamusement

Hello,My names is Debra and I am working for Mexicana Airlines. I am have

writing to you for so you can talks to me more about your lost

luggage. The problems is that always Mexicana offer you less than you

worth so that you can accept. You are a poker player? Same thing. You

give me your number lost claim number and I'll do what I can ok?

Are you having receipts for your lost luggage?

- Debora

Unfortunately, “Debora” is St.Ofle. Nice try Ashton.

Dear Mexicana,

I hope you like bad publicity.

Sincerely,

Yankee Tag

Do you work at Mexicana? Fix my problem by offering me the full $800 that I claimed on my lost luggage form by e-mailing me at mexicanablows@yankeetag.com

George Mason, what a guy. Speaking of which, I really need to brush up on seasons one and two.

I’ve really begun to question the practicality of search engine placement logic.

Mr Nathan Kagey:

Tomorrow across the day you will be receiving my answer.

Best regards,

Jaime Suárez López
Atención a Clientes
Cía. Mexicana de Aviación, S.A. de C.V.

Call me a sucker, but I really want to believe him this time. Mainly because I can’t wait to be receiving his answer across the day. Tomorrow.

I think this is the first bet I wish I had lost.

Note: Richard made good on his bet. Have you seen his new art show? Beards You Should Know

Dear NATHAN KAGEY:

Tomorrow I will send you my answer about your claim.
Thank you so much for your comprehension and help.

Best regards,
Jaime Suárez López
Atención a Clientes
Cía. Mexicana de Aviación, S.A. de C.V.

Well, it looks like they could be resolving this in as little as 24 hours from now. Call me a cynic, but I’m doubtful. So doubtful, in fact, that I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is:

I’ll bet any visitor to this site that Mexicana does not offer to compensate me my claim of $800 for my lost baggage by the end of the day tomorrow.

Wanna bet? betme@yankeetag.com

Yahoo Widget

Google Gadget

Comments? googlegadget@yankeetag.com or yahoowidget@yankeetag.com

• He had to look like he knew how to drink a damn beer.
• He had to look like he could tell a good joke.
• He had to look like he could take a punch.

How do you think I did?

Go help him with a loan: Govser Nasirov

Dear Nathan Kagey:

We finish the looking for your luggage, infortunattly we can not found it, then I need you will send me to my attention, for certificated mail the next documents:

1) Original Bag Tag

2) Original Tickets of your travel Sacramento - Phoenix - México - Cancún (included ticket of UA and MX)

3) Original Boarding Passes (included ticket of UA and MX).

4) Expenses Receipts of your articles included inside in your lost baggage.

When I will receipt this documents I can do an offer about your lost baggage.

I will hope your answer,

Jaime Suárez López

Yeah, I bet you will hope my answer. Now look, I’m a decent guy, I understand luggage gets lost. It happens. But after a month, I would expect a resolution. Now they want me to send my bag tag (which I showed them when they failed to return my bags, and then again when I filed my claim), my “Original Tickets of [my] travel Sacramento” (which is perfect since they were paperless tickets), my original boarding pass (I’d like to meet the person who saves his boarding stubs for a month…), and by far the best request: “Expenses Receipts of [my] articles included inside in [my] lost baggage. Are you kidding me? You think I saved the receipts of all of my belongings? I don’t know how they do things in Mexico, but here in the US of A we call receipts “garbage”. And we throw them away.

Oh, and by the way, I did hope my answer five days ago and no response yet…

Bastards.

Now I need to track down some “radio squawk” sound effects.

The problem is, I don’t know how to go about making this. I can’t picture any cops being really cooperative and I don’t want to rip off other people’s cop movie footage.

Any ideas? copmovie@yankeetag.com

If you have any, send them to me at: shirts@yankeetag.com

If I like it, I’ll make it for you.

“A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.”

Freethought Radio

It’s pretty interesting (and refreshing) to hear intelligent people skeptically discuss religion and politics.