Yankee Tag Blog

As mentioned in my previous post about “Shit Nobody Needs,” I found a few more can’t-live-without products.

The Outside Shower

Are you sick and tired of having your disgusting house guests use your shower? If you’re like me, you are! Relegate them to outside showering, and keep their filth outdoors. As you can see, this revolutionary product attaches to a regular old garden hose. This way, they won’t use up all your hot water, either! Note: MILF in photo is a serving suggestion only and does not come with purchase of the Outside Shower.

The Dough-nu-matic

You’ve asked for it, and it’s finally here! The incredible Dough-nu-matic automatic doughnut making machine! This fantastic new device cranks out piping-hot miniature doughnuts in less than a minute! It’s absolutely perfect for all those times when you’ve said to yourself, “I sure wish I could have piping-hot miniature doughnuts in less than a minute!”

Five Simple Rules for Life Wallhanging

This attractive wall hanging offers a gentle reminder of the five simple rules for life. You’ll notice that each of the rules begin with the letter L, which is really neat. Yes, one of the rules of life is “life”. Another one is “live”. Those may seem like odd rules, but it’s tough to come up with five, all beginning with the letter L, and we had already named it before we decided what the rules would be. The middle rule is “laugh”, which is exactly what your friends will do when you put this in your house.

The Hunter Hearing Aid

Have you ever wanted to look like you were deaf, while you go hunting? If you’re like me, you have! This Hunter Hearing Aid provides the perfect solution. Some states even offer a discount hunting license for handicappers, and nobody will ask twice once they see this 1980’s model hearing aid affixed to your head. Also, it’s good if you ever want to pretend you didn’t hear something.

Five-in-One Shoes

Have you ever found shoes that were so unbearably ugly, you didn’t want to ever take them off? Did you wish you could take the sole of the shoe off, and replace it with another sole, thereby creating more than one shoe (in one!)? Well, these hideous shoes go three steps further! Introducing the 5-in-1 shoe. Just take the soles of your shoes off, and replace it with one of the other four pairs of soles that you’ve been carrying around with you all day.

NeckPro Traction Device

Are you clumsy and prone to injury? Well then this is for you! Do you not know how to tie a noose? Well then this is for you! Do you desperately want a new party trick for your next social engagement? Well then this is for you! Do you frequently wish you could pull a cord that would yank your head towards the ceiling? Well then this is for you! Are you the kind of person who will buy absolutely any kind of shit if it’s offered to you in an in-flight catalogue? Well then this is for you!

In my recent flights, I’ve (quite guiltily) opened the SkyMall magazine which is conveniently tucked into the seat pocket in front of me. Apparently, we as a society are unable to go for two hours without shopping for things. And as I leafed through the magazine out of boredom, I quickly realized why. What fabulous shit they sell! Below I’ve listed some of my favorite items:

Cookie Diet

The cookie diet allows you to LOSE WEIGHT the delicious way. For only $20 for a box of twelve cookies, you will quickly find that you can no longer afford to eat. Hence, you lose weight. The instructions say, “Eat a cookie, skip a meal.” Look, I’m no dietitian, but if you only ate one cookie, and then skipped a meal, wouldn’t you lose weight no matter which cookie you ate? Also, in case you were concerned, yes, they’re Kosher. As if a Jew would spend $20 for a box of 12 cookies…

Lay-away Carpet

Have you ever wanted to buy new, ugly, industrial carpet, but realized that you just couldn’t afford it? If you’re like me, you have! Enter: lay-away carpet. This fantastic new product sells carpet in 20 square foot increments, so you can purchase it slowly, over time, to fit your budget. Your friends will be so excited, and you won’t be able to wait to finish buying the rest of your floor!

ZeroSmoke

Are you a smoker? Are you trying to quit? Maybe if you walk around with a gold dot on your ear, looking like a giant tool you’ll finally be motivated to kick the habit. The ZeroSmoke magnetic ear dot promises to help you quit smoking within 30 days, but I think you’ll quit the first time somebody asks you why you have that stupid-fucking thing on. Either that, or you’ll start chain-smoking as it brings up all of those old self-confidence issues that led you to smoking in the first place.

Marital Problem Bed Solution

Are you having marital problems? If you’re like me, you are! Are you sick and tired of going back and forth between separate beds and sharing a bed with your pain-in-the-ass spouse? Have I got a solution for you! Introducing the revolutionary bed joiner. This unbelievable device will simplify your bed dilemma. When you’re fighting, simply remove the bed joiner and have your separate beds. When you get back together, simply put the bed joiner back down. If you’re like our few satisfied customers, in no time at all you’ll realize that even this is just too much work, and you’ll finally end it once and for all!

The MatrixPC Watch

I wasn’t convinced about this moderately unattractive watch until I read the accompanying description:

When you want to express style, class and sophistication, the MatrixPC watch from Gforce gives you it all.
When you want to raise some eyebrows or have an excellent ice breaker for you next sales meeting, the jaw dropping Gforce MatrixPC is your best resource. The stunning design will tell people that you are someone who is confident, secure, and successful; all traits that will attract the right people into your life. The MatrixPC makes everyone aware that you know what it takes in life.

Repeat after me: “I am confident, secure, and successful; I know what it takes in life.”

The All-Edge Baking Pan

Are you sick and tired of always eating the delicious center of your baked treats? Do you wish that you could just always eat the hard, crusty sides and corners? Well this All-Edge Baking Pan is practically full of corners! Never worry about getting a good piece again!

Be sure to check back on Tuesday, when I post Part 2 of “Shit Nobody Needs”

Break out your cigars and earplugs, it’s a boy! (As previously mentioned in my article about Parenting Advice) A friend and colleague of mine just gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Yep, I called it. So as is typical when learning about her exciting news, my girlfriend and I sent a small basket of flowers. With a card. Which got me thinking.

What is the right message to put in a card like that? Should it be a sympathy card (”I’m sorry for your loss… of free time.”)? A birthday card (”Yeay! You’re zero now!”)? Perhaps a get well card (”Hope you recover from your recent medical procedure”)? One of those “just because cards” (”Just because you had a baby, don’t try and drag out your time off.”)? And even though we’re friends, proper office etiquette would prevent me from saying, “Congratulations on losing all that weight!” So, maybe I should just get one of those ‘Blank Inside’ cards (” “). I’m pretty sure they’re made for times like these.

And speaking of her new boy, I sure am glad that’s what she had. Don’t get me wrong, a girl would’ve been nice too. But what if she had had a hermaphroditic baby? Because, you know, they don’t make giant mylar balloons that read: “It’s an it!” And I’m sure she’d love it, and take care of it, and be thrilled no matter what, but still, it raises all sorts of interesting questions. The most important of which is: what color do you dress a hermaphrodite baby in? Some shade of purple?

Is it just me, or does it seem like the government hasn’t fully capitalized on airport safety alert messages which are broadcast over the intercom every 20 seconds at every airport? I mean, they’re clearly failing to work the public up into a healthy froth of bigotry and paranoia.

This morning, while at the airport, I must have heard the following message about fifty times: “Keep your belongings in your possession at all times. Do not accept packages from unknown individuals. Unattended luggage is subject to search, seizure, and removal by airport security.” While certainly upbeat, this message is far from the propaganda tool it could be. I propose: “Keep your belongings in your possession at all times. Other people at this airport are trying to kill you. It’s highly likely that Muslims will put bombs in your carry-on baggage. If you can, try to peek into other peoples bags while they’re not looking.”

The other one I hear is: “Report suspicious individuals or activity to airport security.” What they mean is: “Trust no one. Especially keep an eye on those Muslims. When in doubt, assume they’re terrorists. Remember: good Christians don’t wear towels on their heads.”

And finally, “The current threat level is: Orange. Passengers and luggage are subject to inspection.” Where is Big Brother when you need him? Try this: “The current threat level is: Orange. An Orange threat level indicates a complete forfeiture of your privacy and civil liberties. Reporting thoughtcrime is doubleplusgood.”

And what’s with threat level Orange anyway? We live in a dynamic, confusing society. I refuse to believe that we can measure risk using only primary and secondary colors. I propose that today’s threat level is: Magenta, which indicates that there may be some risk, somewhere, but probably not here, but if so it probably comes from people who don’t look good and white like us.

On a side note, this quote comes directly off of the Homeland Security Advisory System webpage:

While there continues to be no credible information at this time warning of an imminent threat to the homeland, the department’s strategic threat perspective is that we are in a period of increased risk.

Did you get all that? Yes, there continues to be no credible information at this time warning of an imminent threat to the homeland. Where do I even begin…

Be safe out there, comrades.

One of my friends is having a baby. She’s going to be a good parent, but as I talk to her about what she wants to do I realize that there’s a lot about raising a child that many people don’t know. As a tribute to her and her soon-to-be baby (I’m guessing it will be a boy, but all we really know is it will be a surprise. Well not a surprise per se, she knows she’s having a baby, just not what kind), I wanted to compile some of the child rearing observations that I have made.

First and foremost, you have to give it a name. The name has a big impact on what type of human the child will become, once it is done looking like an alien. Children who are named after geological formations tend to be lame-ass. So, unless you want a lame-ass (like if your other children are dumb, and you want them to look smart in comparison), you probably want to avoid names like: River, Forest, Isthmus, etc. Children named after Valentine’s gifts usually end up in the adult entertainment industry. These names include: Candy, Jasmine, Jade, Sapphire, and Cristal, among others. The one exception to this rule is “Rose.” Rose will just be a grandmother. Like, right away. Finally, mono-syllabicly named children turn into plumbers. Chuck, Jim, Bill, Tim, and Ed, will all start their careers as “apprentices”.

Another important thing to know about children is that they are irritating. They tend to cry a lot and need constant supervision. You have to “child-proof” your home, which is also annoying and tends to look silly. Plus you have to teach them everything, unless you own a TV. They don’t enjoy normal activities and are typically unwelcome at places you will want to go. Like, for example: everywhere. If you hold a baby, it is likely that you will notice that they smell gross.

There are times will you will be tempted to abandon the child in a dumpster. If you find this unacceptable, other common places to abandon your children are: malls, forests, or on the side of the freeway. If you just want to abandon them temporarily, you can leave them in your car. In some areas, it may be advisable to leave your hazard lights on, so that other people know it’s only temporary. This is primarily only important in heavily Catholic or Mormon or affluent areas, as those types of people are always looking for stray children to adopt. In poor areas, this is unnecessary, but it may be inconvenient to drive to a poor part of town.

As children age, they often become unruly or disobedient or gay. This is your cue that you haven’t instilled a proper sense of fear in them. While time consuming, it may be necessary to beat them for several hours each day. If they start acting better, don’t let up, it might be a trick. This also shows them that you love them.

If you have a boy, you should encourage him to have sex as early and often as possible. It’s advisable to watch him at least once, just to make sure he’s not just “acting straight”. Once you’re convinced he enjoys it, your job is mostly done and you are free to release him into the wild.

On the other hand, if you are unfortunate enough to have a girl, you must keep her from having any contact at all with boys, and must remain constantly vigilant. If she ever sees a boy she will get pregnant and there will be at least one more child who will annoy you.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. There are many more strategies for raising children, most of which involves trying not to have them in the first place. For a scientific look on children, see the Children article on Uncyclopedia.org.

I’ve been flying a lot lately for work. A lot. Like six or eight flights a month. All that time on planes has given me quite an opportunity to think about how planes shouldn’t work. I’m not stupid, I know they do, I just don’t think they should. They weigh like a million pounds. And they’re metal. And they fly through the air. And I know, I’ve heard all of the statistics. Sure, you’re less likely to die in a plane crash, than you are a car. What makes you think I feel safe in cars? Clearly you haven’t ever met a semi-truck driver. I certainly don’t feel safe driving next to them. Semi-truck drivers. Salt of the earth.

The worst part about flying isn’t the flying itself, necessarily. It’s the other people who fly. I’m sure they’re no different than the other people who shop at grocery stores, sit next to me in coffee shops, or loiter pathetically by themselves at my local bar. I just hate them more, because for the next hour or two I can’t get away. I do everything possible to get away. I put on my iPod, wear my crusty old ballcap as low as I can, and keep my nose buried in a book (whether or not I’m actually reading anything). But I can’t get away. I want to point out to these people that I’m sitting next to them because random bad luck put a seat number on my ticket that was unfortunately close to the number on theirs. But for some reason, they always seem to think I chose to sit next to them and, as such, they go out of their way to make small talk to me about shit I couldn’t possibly care less about. And it’s always the person I have the absolute least in common with. Every single time it’s some desperate, overweight fifty-some-odd woman who’s clinging desperately to the last vestiges of sexuality by wearing disgustingly tight clothes that she purchased fifteen years ago, back when they were only marginally out of style.

On my flights, I’ve been doing a bit of reading while I try not to make eye contact with the desperate, overweight fifty-some-odd woman who is sitting uncomfortably close to me. One of the books I read recently mentioned that computers are becoming so advanced that in the next decade they will actually surpass the capability and capacity of the human mind. So, I guess, that means they’re currently less capable than the human mind. That doesn’t bother me because I think we should suppress the robot race anyway. We need to, we’re not allowed to buy regular slaves anymore and I don’t want to clean my own house. Like I said, it’s fine that computers aren’t as capable as humans. Or, it would be fine, except that I also read that computers currently handle almost every aspect of commercial airline flight. They’ve even taken over the takeoff and landing procedures. Wait a minute… we’re leaving flying this plane to something less capable than a human? Isn’t there a hamburger this computer could flip or something? That’s got to take less finesse. We can’t possibly be out of available humans already, I seem to recall reading somewhere that we’re shipping all of our jobs to India or Mexico or Vietnam or Canada, or some other third world country. I guess I didn’t realize that we were sending the employees, too.

It is strangely comforting that we still put “pilots” in the seats up front, even if all they do is make announcements about seatbelts and cellphones. With all of the financial problems airlines are having, you would think they would just sell those seats, too. I would pay a premium to be locked behind a door marked boldly, “Terrorists, please don’t kick this door in and kill us all.”

Finally, I’m a little disappointed that we still have so much security at airports. It’s not that I’m not afraid of terrorism, I’m just disappointed we haven’t killed them all yet. September 11th was six-and-a-half years ago. And we already figured out the magic anti-terrorism resistance tool: one quart ziplock plastic bags. Apparently anything put inside a ziplock bag is safe. Remember 3-1-1 to speed my screening process.

Weekend America is so much better than weekday America. They had this great segment on this week, which was pointed out to me by one of the broads behind Grammarholic.com. She’s been busy trying to push out a baby but still makes time to listen to liberally biased media. Which makes her Obama’s hero. And he knows a lot about what it takes to be a hero.

So, back to liberal bias… on Weekend America they had a segment mocking the robotic political calls we all receive from candidates. They did a little bit on what it would sound like if the calls we receive from them at odd hours, actually were intended to be received at odd hours. (Very well done, by the way.) They were all great, and worth a listen, but I had to share the call they created by my hero: Ron Paul. It went a little something like this,

Ron Paul here and I gotta be quick because the government’s probably tapped this phone.

Sorry to wake you up. Were you dreaming of drugs and abortions? If I’m president you won’t have to dream. Do you like taxes?

What are you stoned? If you are that’s fine by me. But taxes? Shut up.

Ron Paul for president. Do you hear black helicopters? I gotta go.

If you’re so inclined, go have a listen. It’s at the very end of the show, like the last five minutes or so.

Edit: As an afterthought, I edited that segment and removed all of the extra content and put the mp3 file up for sharing: Political Robot Calls. I’m sure this is all sorts of illegal. It’d be just like those liberal jerks to sue me for it, too…

I got the rudest call today. A man called up and asked for “Theresa McLellan”. Theresa used to own my phone number. I’m not Theresa. I’ve never met Theresa. I wish Theresa paid her bills on time. I get a lot of calls for Theresa from various debt collectors. For the most part, they’re very polite, and I always wish them the best of luck. Debt collecting isn’t an easy job, but it’s important. And besides, people should pay their bills.

Back on point, this man calls up and asks for Theresa. Being a gentleman, I politely reply that he, unfortunately, has the wrong number. He says, “Well then who are you?” with this snotty, irritating tone of voice. I give him my first name and assure him that no one by the name “Theresa” lives here. Then, and I find this truly shocking, he demands to know my last name. Now look, I don’t mean to act like there’s no way to find out somebody’s name, or that it’s any kind of top secret information, but that’s just rude. I mean, he called me. So, I reply, “Sir, you called me. You’ve dialed the wrong number, good luck reaching your intended party.”

As I reach to hang up I hear him speaking and pull the receiver back to my ear. To my amazement, he’s still yelling at me to identify myself. I genuinely cannot believe that someone could be so rude. Especially on the job. So… I decided to play a game. Imagining that he probably makes extra money by successfully collecting debts, I decided to waste as much of his time as I possibly could. I put the phone on speaker mode, sat back, and tried to keep him on the phone as long as possible (which was exactly12 minutes and 17 seconds as it turns out). I would say things like, “Well, I don’t know Theresa, but if I meet her, what should I say to her.” And, “Are you sure Theresa is a woman?” And, “Don’t you kinda wonder what Theresa is doing right now, at this very minute?” It was strangely satisfying.

By the way, Theresa, if you’re out there, please call I.C. Systems, Inc at 651-204-1361. Ask for the asshole. Hopefully that will help them direct you to the right guy.

In what I hope is the final installment of the Mexicana series, Jaime finally comes through. I think you’ll enjoy the following letter that accompanied my check (make especially sure you read the third paragraph):

Dear Mr. YankeeTag:

This will acknowledge receipt of your letter wherein you informed us about lost of your baggage with MEXICANA flight connection MX307 route: Mexico - Cancun, in October 02, 2007.

In regard to your delay luggage compensation request, enclosed find our check number XXXXXX with charge to the JPMorgan Chase Bank, in the amount of $540.00 USCY (five hundred forty 00/100USCY) as full and final settlement for your claim.

Please be informed that your claim has been adjusted in accordance with regulations Governing International Travel. These regulations, which are part of the Conditions of Contract outlined on each ticket and contained in the provisions on the Warsaw Convention.

Please accept our sincere apologies for the inconvenience you reported. We hope that you will give us another opportunity to prove we can serve you in a completely satisfactory manner.

Sincerely,
Jaime Suarez Lopez

Aside from the irritation that they can’t find anyone to even proofread the form letter they routinely send out, this letter is a little insulting.

First, it shouldn’t take from October 2, 2007 to February 14, 2008 to rectify the fact that some minimum wage employee (do they even have a minimum wage in Mexico?) looted my belongings.

Second, they called it my “delay luggage compensation request”. I guess we’ll have to chalk this one up to a translation error. See, in real English, ‘delayed’ means it came later than expected. I think the word they were looking for is ‘extremely reasonable lost’ (In context: “your [extremely reasonable lost] luggage compensation request”).

Finally, I don’t know which I find more offensive: a) that lost airline baggage was a topic at the WARSAW CONVENTION, or b) that this was handled in accordance with the regulations they decided on there.

See the letter Mexicana sends you when they lose $1,000 dollars worth of stuff you own.